Isabella Simonetti | Coming out as a freshman

This summer, I told another girl that I liked her for the first time. 

I’ll call her Amanda. I was teaching creative writing at a summer camp in the Catskill Mountains, and Amanda and I worked in the same cabin of 14-year-old girls. We grew close quickly. I confided in her about my childhood with details I’d never shared before, rehashing some difficult memories. She spoke to me about music she listened to, her family life back in Scotland, and how she moved schools multiple time to avoid bullies. 

Finding a person you connect with that extends beyond friendship is universal, but crushing on someone of the same sex can be tricky. The default in most settings is straight. When I like a girl, I have to find out if she is interested in women too, whereas if I have feelings for a guy, it’s almost always assumed that he likes women.

I’ve known I’m queer for a long time. Still, I just came out at the beginning of my freshman year. Although college, particularly at the beginning, can be lonely and overwhelming, it also lends you the opportunity to embrace your identity. 

Starting Penn allowed me to gain distance from the toxic environment that was my high school, as well as many of my insecurities that were born at home. Don’t get me wrong, I was terrified to be in a new city, with few friends, navigating a rigorous academic environment. But having to function as an adult for the first time allowed me to start to understand who I am.

Being honest about my sexuality was liberating. However, the months that followed have brought their fair share of challenges. A lot of the time, my identity makes me feel like I’m inconveniencing others or making things awkward. I don’t want my female friends to worry that I have crushes on them. I also don’t want them to feel uncomfortable when I talk about girls. I wouldn’t dream of approaching another woman at a frat party unless I already knew she was queer, and I don’t always feel confident in my own skin. In fact, most of the time I don’t. 

My feelings for Amanda built up throughout the summer. I knew she liked girls too, but interpreting if she thought of me in that way was nearly impossible. Girls who are friends hold hands, sleep in the same bed, and change in front of each other. The lines are always blurred. 

But one night in Amanda’s room, I told her. She practically forced it out of me, because I was so embarrassed. We spoke for a while about translating romantic experiences we’d had with men to what we felt for each other. Ultimately, things didn’t pan out, because our relationship became complicated and confusing. But it was important.  

Regardless of your sexuality, Penn can be a scary place. The decadence of the social scene is intimidating. Sometimes there is too much wealth, substance-abuse, and academic pressure in one place to fathom. But my advice to freshmen is to use your time at Penn to let go of the idea that you need to be or act a certain way to please others. 

Although my romantic relationship with Amanda didn’t work out, it was my first experience being honest about my feelings for another girl. Not to mention, we’re still good friends. 

When I got to Penn, I received a lot of unsolicited advice. A lot of people described freshman year as fun and inconsequential; some told me I needed to start applying for internships immediately. While accepting myself is still a work in progress, my time at college has been the first step. 

ISABELLA SIMONETTI is a College sophomore from New York studying English. Her email address is simonetti@thedp.com.