DPOSTM going for 11th straight win over Weenies in annual Kamin Cup

Sports has won 10 straight Kamin Cups, but News and the Weenies will be looking to rewrite the transcript on Tuesday at Franklin Field.

Another December is here, and with it, another football game where the Daily Pennsylvanian's Only Section That Matters appears to be the only section with a William Snowball's chance in hell of winning.

But they don't play the games on paper, and not just because print media is dead. DPOSTM is certainly a heavy favorite, but the Weenies expressed optimism heading into the big game.

"2016 is the year of the underdog," said Dan "The Mad Hatter" Spinelli. "Sports doesn't know what's coming."

"I'm going to score a touchdown!" joked fellow News Editor Ellie Schroeder.

Not all Weenies, however, appeared prepared to pursue the victory.

"We definitely think it would be better to win than lose," opined Editor-In-Chief Lauren Feiner. "But figuring out the plan for making that happen is something we'll ask next year's team to come up with."

Other key members of News-and-company appeared downright oblivious as to the logistics of the event.

"We joust at dawn upon this same hill in two moons' time!" proclaimed News Editor Caroline Simon, who did not plan to participate in the game but did add that the game's MVP would, indeed, win her favor.

DPOSTM, meanwhile, plans on pulling out all the stops necessary to ensure another victory. But this is nothing new.

"Football is a game of inches," said outgoing Senior Sports Editor and Free Elf-elect Nick Buchta. "And I've been doing petty things here and there to siphon off News' inch count all year, so this is really just another game."

So if the Weenies are going to win for the first time in nose tackle and Design Editor Ilana Wurman's life, it would be a huge upset. But if there was ever a year to pull that off, this might be it. A series of defections from DPOSTM to positions elsewhere in the DP have given the Weenies a solid foundation of players with the winning pedigree one can only get from playing with DPOSTM.

President Colin Henderson and President-elect Carter Coudriet both began their careers in DPOSTM before moving onto littler and lesser things, and Sports Editor Tom Nowlan's holdout is expected to end with the now-News Editor-elect getting the quarterbacking role with the Weenies he so desperately craves.

"You play to win the game," said Nowlan, who intends to run plays operating exclusively out of the shotgun.

"Sports needs to put some Rec-Spec on our name," said Henderson, renouncing any former allegiance to his old department before saying that he has reduced his individual goal for touchdowns "down from four to no fewer than three."

"We could kick their asses seven days a week and twice on Sunday," said Coudriet, before having a change of heart:

"Make that two days a week."

Another star-studded recruiting class has DPOSTM ready to withstand any losses from their treacherous alumni. Veteran pun-ter and red zone threat Tommy Rothman and Buchta should form a deadly Yin-Yang combo on the outside, and all-around threat (and all-around good kid) Will Snow, back from a gruesome injury suffered in last year's game when his reading glasses ruined his Reading Days fun, is ready to take on a leadership role for the DPOSTM dynasty.

"Look at me," said Snow. "I am the captain now."

DPOSTM will also have two Galactic Sprint Football champions at their service, with Sports Editor-elect Cole Jacobson and guest columnist Zack DiGregorio expected to play. Thomas Munson managed to shoulder most of the QB duties for DPOSTM in last year's contest, but DiGregorio, the backup gunslinger on the Penn sprint team, should be able to lend him a much-needed hand.

Sports Editor-elect Jonathan Pollack and fellow sophomores David Figuerelli, Sanjay Dureseti, Greg Robinov, Jacob Snyder and Andrew "Smoochie" Zheng will add more youth to a DPOSTM squad that has as much useful upside as grizzled excellence. A deep freshman core centered around Yosi Weitzman, Brevin Fleischer, Moses Nserenko, Griff Fitzsimmons and Theo Papazekos gives the Sports crew an always dangerous element of "known unknowns" that the Weenies could struggle to prepare a gameplan for.

A few older DPOSTMites will be hungry to prove they still have plenty left in the tank. That group includes Jacob Adler, Will Agathis, Laine "#Laine" Higgins and Corey "Market Pantry" Henry.

"I'll be there with bells on," said Henry, a nationally renowned squash and chess reporter.

The Weenies quietly have a decent stable of veterans in their own right, although none of them have ever won the Kamin Cup. Alt-right tackle and columnist Alec Ward anchors the offensive line, and running back and Digital Director-elect Alex Graves broke a long touchdown run in last year's game, which he made sure to remind the press leading into this year's battle. "I did the Digital dash," recalled Graves.

One potential wild card that could swing things in the Weenies' favor is the potential contribution from Street, although Managing Editor-elect Dani Blum told the press, "We don't really do sports."

On the other side, things could swing even more in DPOSTM's favor if a trade of News Editor Jessica McDowell to Sports — a topic that has held traction on the rumor mill since January — pours salt in the Weenies' wound, one initially opened over a year ago when Snow, himself once a promising "GA," moved to greener pastures with DPOSTM.

However, sources indicated that McDowell might throw away her final shot to participate in this storied tradition.

Tuesday's game will undoubtedly be a fierce contest, and if history is any indication, blood will be shed. This game could go either way, even if it is likely to go the same way for the 11th year in a row.

Only one thing is certain, Henderson reminded the media on the eve of what is expected to be the most highly attended sporting event at Franklin Field this semester:

"It's gonna be a vibe."