Joke Issue: Penn track star Sam Mattis suspended for throwing coach

In a surprising turn of events, Penn track and field’s throwing star Sam Mattis was suspended by the USTFCCCA for throwing his coach, Tony Tenisci, a whopping 68.12 meters at last weekend’s Penn Challenge.

Anyone who reads the sports section of the Daily Pennsylvanian would know that Mattis throws heavy things often. Admittedly, this is a very small subset of the Penn population, but on Saturday, he opted to throw a slightly heavier object.

After competing in — and winning — the discus event at the Penn Challenge hosted by the Quakers at Franklin Field, the senior grabbed ahold of Tenisci around his belly. Mattis then hoisted the Quakers’ throwing coach upon his shoulder, spun around two or three times and off Tenisci sailed.

“I could see it as soon as I left his hands,” Tenisci said. “There was so much energy and the spin was so strong that everyone knew that that was it, even before I landed because of the velocity of the release.”

Despite being thrown so far through the air, Tenisci did not seem to be rattled by the flight.

“It was just, wow,” he said. “It was like the happiest moment of my life.”

The event of coach throwing has yet to be officially sanctioned by the NCAA, however sources can confirm that a petition is in the works. Despite the unofficial status of the sport, Mattis now holds the title of top performer in the world in coach throwing. The only other event that Mattis can claim the same illustrious status is the discus with his throw of 67.45 meters on March 19, a much less impressive accomplishment considering that the senior was able to throw his coach nearly a meter farther.

Perhaps more surprising than the coach toss itself was the punishment handed down by the USTFCCCA to Mattis. Instead of serving a traditional suspension and forfeiting competition for the rest of the academic school year, Mattis will be forced to return to Penn in November to compete in the 24th Annual Mr. and Mrs. Penn body building competition — an event he won in 2014.

When asked about the unconventional suspension, the USTFCCCA’s president explained, “Sam just hasn’t won enough things for him to be an impressive person.”

“We at the USTFCCCA thought that entering Sam in Mr. and Mrs. Penn would give him a chance to pad his resume a bit — something he desperately needs. What’s more meaningful than being named Mr. Penn? Winning an Olympic gold medal would be the next best thing.”

It is unclear if further punishment will be served by the USTFCCCA. But in the meantime, Mattis does not intend to continue competing in the coach throw. Rather, he will concentrate his efforts on his second-best event: discus.

Editor’s Note: This article is part of The Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual joke issue. Read more about the history of joke issue here.

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