Joke Issue: Penn hires head of TSA to secure libraries following machete incident

The head of the United States Transportation Security Agency Robert Wallace will take over security for the University, focusing his efforts on Penn’s two libraries.

In light of an incident involving a man with a machete discovered in Van Pelt Library earlier this month followed by "at least three" incidents of attempted (yet thwarted) book theft, Penn hired Wallace to redesign the security surrounding Penn’s libraries.

“We’re integrating state-of-the-art security measures,” Penn President Amy Gutmann told The Daily Pennsylvanian, adding that she could not disclose the exact measures the University plans to take for safety reasons.

“Walking into Van Pelt is now going be as secure as going through airport security," she added. “We’re talking Quad-during-Fling level precautions."

Aside from his work at the TSA, Wallace had a recent stint as a security consultant for 1968 Wharton graduate Donald Trump’s campaign rallies. 

Gutmann acknowledged that security measures surrounding the entrance to Penn's most popular library may be lacking.

"While we feel that our bag-checking system is absolutely one hundred percent foolproof in stopping the theft of books, we now realize that it may be prudent to check the bags of those entering the library as well," she said.

Still, she affirmed her faith in the thoroughness and hyper-vigilance of the security guards who check the backpacks of students, staff and members of the public leaving Van Pelt library.

“Although we regret the fact that a man was able to peruse the third floor stacks while wielding a dangerous weapon, we feel comforted by the fact that there’s absolutely no way anyone could sneak a book out of the premises."

Editor’s Note: This article is part of The Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual joke issue. Read more about the history of joke issue here.

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