Joke Issue: AComm's Eric Dolan a player to be named later in Van Dyke deal

Ending months of speculation, Penn Athletics confirmed on Monday that former Associate Director of Athletic Communications Eric Dolan is the player to be named later in the 2015 trade with Stanford that landed women’s soccer coach Nicole Van Dyke in University City.

“Clearly I didn’t make this move willingly,” Dolan said in a phone interview from a beach just outside Palo Alto, Calif. “If you think Stanford football is a step up from Penn lightweight rowing, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”

There had been months of speculation surrounding Dolan’s sudden departure less than 12 hours after Penn football clinched a share of the Ivy title.

“I found it confusing and alarming that he just disappeared into the night without warning,” Penn women’s basketball coach Mike McLaughlin said. “To be honest, I was debating asking for him to send his 2014 Ivy championship ring back.

“He didn’t even say goodbye.”

When Van Dyke was announced as Darren Ambrose’s replacement in March 2015, there was suspicion that there was more to the deal than met the eye.

Van Dyke joined Penn wrestling coach Alex Tirapelle in making the jump from Palo Alto to Philadelphia in the last two years, cementing the pipeline between the wannabe West Coast Ivy and the Ivy school where Wharton is.

“It’s never easy to lose an employee, but it was particularly the case with Eric Dolan,” Director of Athletics Communications Mike Mahoney said in a press release. “Not only was he the only one in the office who actually enjoyed his job, but he was far and away the best looking.”

“Dolan was absolutely the cool one,” he added while desperately shaving his goatee into a soul patch.

It’s been apparent that Penn Athletics was not excited at the prospect of Dolan leaving, taking almost six months to name a replacement. In the meantime, Athletic Communications Assistant Jim Sheehan was tasked with adding Dolan’s sports to his own.

Sheehan could not be reached for comment after suffering a mild, stress-induced stroke despite sitting next to the reporter at print time.

For Dolan, the transition to becoming a Cardinal has not been without its hardships.

“Since I’ve come here, Stanford football has won both the Pac-12 and Rose Bowl,” Dolan explained. “I’m running out of fingers for rings already.”

While Penn Athletics has begun the journey on the long, hard road of life without Eric Dolan, some are handling the transition better than others.

“Who?” Penn football coach Ray Priore asked when questioned about how things have changed without the Buffalo native.

Before he disappeared, Dolan did have time for one more press conference. He left University City with one final thought.

“Riley Steele was my favorite reporter ever.”

Editor’s Note: This article is part of The Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual joke issue. Read more about the history of joke issue here.

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