Although Darien Nelson-Henry (not pictured for some reason) may have lost his beard at the Palestra, wrestling's Lorenzo Thomas has kept close watch on his famed mustache.
Credit: Courtesy of the Lost BeardThe 2015-16 season featured many high-profile returns at the Palestra. Steve Donahue, who came back to the program after over a decade spent coaching other teams; the women’s basketball Ivy title, which was reclaimed by the Red and Blue after a year in the custody of rival Princeton; the Big 5 doubleheader, which was hosted by Penn for the first time in 12 years and, of course, the return of Darien Nelson-Henry, who lumbered back into the Palestra in the wee hours of Tuesday morning to recover the beard he had tragically left behind last month.
Nelson-Henry, 22, first noticed something was amiss during an excursion to Tap House, where he was carded for the first time since 2003.
“Aaah ... Pain beyond pain, my friends; nothing could have prepared me for it,” the Penn basketball center told the several reporters who had gathered at the scene after hearing a distressed male voice howling at the moon. “I was ripped from my body, I was less than spirit, less than the meanest ghost. ... But still, I was alive. What I was, even I do not know... "
The missing beard was located by former Penn coach and star point guard Jerome Allen, who had stopped by the Palestra to check out his old haunts while the Boston Celtics — for whom Allen is now an assistant coach — were in town to play the 76ers.
“I sensed something. A presence I’d not felt since ... " Allen began, before his voice trailed off.
Nelson-Henry had walked off the Palestra court for what everybody believed to be the final time after Penn’s home loss to Columbia back on Feb. 27, having been honored as part of Senior Night before the game. He had not been spotted since then, leaving Coach Donahue wondering aloud on multiple occasions as to both the whereabouts of his star center and the identity of “that young boy” who notched 28 points and 21 rebounds after joining the team for its season-ending three-game road trip.
“Darien was a joy to coach, but in the end, his greatest quality proved to be his undoing,” Coach Donahue lamented. “He left it all on the court every game.”
Editor’s Note: This article is part of The Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual joke issue. Read more about the history of joke issue here.
The Daily Pennsylvanian is an independent, student-run newspaper. Please consider making a donation to support the coverage that shapes the University. Your generosity ensures a future of strong journalism at Penn.
DonatePlease note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.