Louis Capozzi | The Republican debate's drunken state

Citizen Capozzi| Citizen Capozzi tailors his account of last Saturday’s Republican debate for the average Penn student

By Louis Capozzi 02/18/16 12:15am

The bottle of vodka is open. It is Saturday night, and I am preparing to watch the Republican primary debate on CBS with my friends. Since most are tuned in for Donald Trump, we are throwing out any chance of seriously considering the candidates and are instead preparing a drinking game. The rules are agreed to, and the debate begins.

Rule #1:

Take a shot every time a Republican blames Barack Obama instead of seriously answering a question. When moderator John Dickerson asks neurosurgeon Ben Carson about his previous suggestion to ignore the rules of war when fighting ISIL, I immediately become nervous.

My lack of trust in the Hippocratic Oath is immediately confirmed when Carson starts obfuscating his lack of foreign policy knowledge by answering, “In terms of the rules of engagement, I was talking about, you know, Obama has said, you know, we shouldn’t bomb tankers, you know, coming out of refineries because there may be people in there, or because the environment may be hurt. You know, that’s just asinine thinking.” I nod vigorously as I fulfill the doctor’s prescription and take a drink.

Rule #2:

Take two shots every time Trump says something that should end his candidacy but probably won’t. My liver little suspects the impending danger as Trump is confronted by his previous suggestion that former president George W. Bush should be impeached for lying about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

I innocently assume that Trump, knowing he’s campaigning ina state where George W. Bush is immensely popular, will distance himself from that comment. However, Trump carpet-bombs my naivete by shouting, “They lied. They said there were weapons of mass destruction. There were none. And they knew there were none. There were no weapons of mass destruction.”

As the moderator tries to restore order, I prepare to take my punishment. But Trump is not done, shouting, “The World Trade Center came down during the reign of George Bush. He kept us safe? That is not safe.” My liver is not safe, as I am obligated to take four shots. When one of my friends jokes that Trump’s goal is to drive Americans to drink, I think to myself, “Mission accomplished.”

Rule #3:

Take three shots every time a Republican goes out of his way to further alienate young voters. I have almost made it through the entire debate without this rule triggering, but now Marco Rubio brandishes his concluding speech, saying, “We are going to be a country that says that life begins at conception and life is worthy of the protection of our laws. We’re going to be a country that says that marriage is between one man and one woman.” I begrudgingly reach for the bottle, envious that Hillary Clinton is probably smoking a celebratory Cuban instead.

Rule #4:

Finish the bottle if a GOP debater destroys their candidacy by showing sympathy for immigrants. After a while, I’m pretty confident this rule won’t be triggered. But then the moderator asks Florida Gov. Jeb Bush about his much maligned comment that illegal immigrants “broke the law, but it’s not a felony ... it’s an act of love.”

I initially assume I’m safe, since Bush is an experienced politician and will surely pivot from that comment by attacking Marco Rubio or hyping border security. Yet Bush delivers a mighty blow to my liver — and whatever political chance he still had — by saying, “They’re not all rapists, as you-know-who said. They’re not that. These are people that are coming to provide for their families. And we should show a little more respect for the fact that they’re struggling.” Somewhat surprised and almost willingly, I reach for the vodka. Yet mercy is at hand, as the bottle is empty.

Only one thing is clear: For the next debate, I’ll need more liquor.

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