Maya Rawal | A culture of kindness

The Maya Project | Making it a priority to support our peers without undermining each other’s hardships

By Maya Rawal 10/07/14 10:46pm

E ver y time I walk down Locust, I see at least two or three familiar faces. Some acknowledge me with a friendly wave and smile, while others stop to exchange a brief greeting. I’ve realized there are two acceptable answers to the standard “Hey, how are you?”

One: “Good, thanks. How are you?” This provides a succinct, superficial conversation from which both parties can comfortably move on.

Two: “Super stressed. It’s been a crazy week!” or some variation thereof , usually leading to an echoed sentiment about classes and midterms, lack of sleep and maybe a promise to get lunch after life settles down.

These exchanges may seem trite, but they promote a problematic campus culture. I’ve been thinking about this issue recently, especially since College junior Amanda Hu committed suicide on Sept. 28.

I knew Amanda. As a freshman, she hosted me for Penn’s Scholars Preview program and played a large role in my decision to come here. She introduced me to her friends, took me to her classes and answered my endless questions about choosing a dorm and forming my schedule.

I regret that over the course of my freshman year, our relationship was relegated to the shallow interactions of Locust Walk. We caught up over lunch once or twice and ran into each other in Houston Hall or by David Rittenhouse Laboratory . But we never sat down and talked about our college experiences. If she had been experiencing college-related stress, I wouldn’t have known.

I wish I had. I think it’s important for people to know they could find a truly sympathetic ear to confide in, if needed.

But most of our conversations with fellow students have the opposite effect. We are all accustomed to success. We entered Penn at the top of our classes. It’s hard to realize that all 10,000 undergrads here cannot continue to achieve at such a high level — that is to say, half of us will have to graduate in the bottom 50 percent of our class.

This fuels a constant, underlying thread of competition in our interactions. If a peer says he has two midterms this week and got four hours of sleep last night, another will counter in a show of supposed empathy that she has two papers due tomorrow, pulled an all-nighter last night and is in the midst of Hell Week for an upcoming show.

There’s a misguided need to always prove that we can handle as much or more than our peers. As Penn students, we should be able to work hard, play harder and somehow do it all without the basic human need for sleep.

What if you can’t do it all and can’t accept that? What if you struggle with the futility of trying to keep faking it?

It’s often terrifying to admit you’re not invincible and request help from friends. I know this firsthand from entering Penn. I was overwhelmed with difficult classes and the adjustment to college life. But I found the support I needed to manage and move on from the problems I faced.

Others may reach a point where they are unable to seek that solace. They may feel unable to acknowledge any limitations beneath the perfect facades they present.

This is why our campus culture needs to change. We need to foster an environment in which people feel safe coming to us, rather than place the burden on them to seek help where it may seem unwelcome or nonexistent. I know I have been a passive participant in the endless competition conversations, but I plan to stop now.

Next time you ask your peers how they are doing, know that everything may not be as great as it seems. Every time you catch yourself entering a “bragging” contest about sleep deprivation, change the subject. If someone ever needs to talk, please find the time to fully engage. Our health and happiness as young adults are infinitely more important than any midterm will ever be.

No one knows how to do it all without ever screwing up. No one is invincible. We are all only human. Our interactions with other students should always help to make us stronger rather than beat us down.

Let’s form a truly supportive community. It starts with me. It starts wit h you.

Maya Rawal is a College sophomore from River Forest, Ill. Her email address is mrawal@sas.upenn.edu. “The Maya Project” usually appears every other Thursday. 

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