Ola Osinaike | Fading friendships

A few days ago, I had a deep conversation with a friend — something that I had been missing for a while. It felt good to talk about unresolved issues I was facing, not related to school.

I have really valued moments like these at Penn — having honest, unexpected conversations with people, even if I wasn’t close to them. There’s a social void that partying simply can’t fill. Maybe it’s me, or maybe it’s the community in general, but I have found it quite difficult to find space for vulnerability in the “work-hard, play-hard” atmosphere on Penn’s campus.

For most of us on campus, the week is broken apart into two stages. From Sunday to Thursday, we study, prepare for exams and keep up with our extracurriculars. On Fridays, Saturdays and sometimes even Thursdays, we party. This end-of-the-week spree gives us a method to release tension after a week that might have been full of midterms and papers. Yet, at least this year, I’ve found myself a little dissatisfied with that schedule.

Freshman year, I got caught up in partying and the stereotypical college experience. Recently though, I’ve come to appreciate the value of having intimate conversations. Despite how close we all may seem to one another, many of us have secrets that we keep hidden, even from our best friends. It’s not that we can’t trust them, but that we fear the risk of gossip spreading amongst our closest friends.

With that said, there’s a long period between the moment when you first become friends with someone and when you finally feel comfortable discussing your most personal experiences with them. We’ve all been there before. You don’t want to scare someone off a week after you meet them.

But if you’re not comfortable with going to your friends about your issues, there are resources on campus. Penn does make an attempt to create an open environment. There’s a hotline for people in desperate need of a shoulder to lean on. Counseling and Psychological Services is open for students who struggle with psychological and emotional problems.

That being said, many of us don’t go to CAPS for various reasons. For me, unless I had difficulty with an issue to the point that I couldn’t sleep, I wouldn’t go to CAPS. I tend to think CAPS is for students who really struggle with making it on their own. I feel like some kids have it far worse than I do, dealing with problems that I can’t imagine.

However, emotional issues aren’t polarized into being either depressing or benign. Sometimes all we need is someone to talk to who won’t judge us. Even if you’re close friends with someone, you keep things to yourself because friends are likely to try to give you critical advice. In an environment where we’re constantly pushing each other to get better grades and to go out more, there’s no room to deal with problems that can’t be solved.

Our school’s reputation for being the social Ivy can come with its disadvantages. Liberal arts colleges, which have smaller student bodies and are located in mostly rural areas, have more tightly knit communities. Universities that have religious backgrounds also foster environments for deeper connections. For instance, at Notre Dame, students live in the same dorm for all four years and really get to know each other.

Penn is neither a liberal arts college nor a religious institution. Students here come from a diverse array of backgrounds, but we share experiences that we often don’t show on the surface. To facilitate this, there should be more forums for students simply looking to share their deeply personal experiences, without others assuming that they have psychological issues.

For now, we should all make an attempt to engage in meaningful conversations with those around us. Go out to dinner with someone you haven’t talked to in a while and learn something new about that person. Take a night off from partying to share something intimate with your friends. Maybe they might look at you differently, or maybe you might connect with them in a more substantial way than you previously had.

Besides, if they judge you for trying to connect with them on a deeper level, they might not be good friends after all.

Ola Osinaike is a College and Wharton sophomore from Chicago. His email address is osinaike@sas.upenn.edu. “Aristeia” appears every other Thursday.

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