Joke Issue: Hayley Brooks & Ali Kokot | Get low? YEAH, BRO!

“Baby grind on me / Relax your mind and take your time on me / Let me get deeper shorty ride on me / Now come and sex me till your body gets weak with slow grindin’.”

We’ve had a revelation. Pretty Ricky’s “Grind On Me” has brought the bumpin’ back to our daily grind.

After publishing our first little number on grinding. — we’ve reevaluated how we stand on this mating ritual: to the front, to the back and to the side.

The self-proclaimed “Miss New Bootys” — Penn, you’ve found us.

It took some personal pelvic experience for us to recognize the booty-kissing we were missing.

Grinding, as Urban Dictionary describes in its most modest definition, is “when a girl is in front of a guy, and they’re dancing; her butt to his crotch. He places his hands over her hipbones and pulls her closer. The girl shakes her stuff and the guy enjoys it.”

Homegirl knows what’s up.

Save the exchange of last names and rounds of Jewish geography, everyone knows the most intimate conversations are practically wordless. When a man propels his frontside into your backside, he initiates a deep spiritual connection — penetrating topics once considered too holy for the dancefloor.

“So you go here?”

“What’d you say?”

Now that’s profound stuff.

Not only does this partnered dance provide a venue for the kinds of conversations that lead to true love and pretty legacy babies, grinding is bringing women back on top.

When we shake it we feel both appreciated and empowered. As Nursing junior Anita Cocke said post-fanny fest, “I’m always, like, omg go feminism! First grinding, next equal pay!”

And for those of us who’ve lost faith, allow us to remind you that chivalry isn’t dead! After all, what could be more gallant than a man who beckons you from behind?

While re-watching Cinderella, we’re pretty sure we saw Prince Charming rounding Cindy’s buxom buttocks — and if he isn’t the model for gentlemanly etiquette, we’re not sure who is. Maybe it’s Benjamin Franklin? Though in retrospect, Ben, the dancefloor was no place to test out your lightning rod …

For those who suggested that we should be dancing in a more mature way at age 20, we say to you, emphatically: Why?

We all peaked in middle school anyways.

Engineering freshman Pat McRotch — alter-ego DJ SultryTones — helped us decode the intricate relationship between this new-age tango and the music that tends to accompany it. “Finally, a generation that understands their music!” he exclaimed. “As students grind to these telling lyrics ‘got mah shirt off, the club too packed’… it’s like they’re bowing to the gods of Rack City, a sign of utter appreciation for the blessing of music.”

Though at first, we had some beef with the whole “not facing your partner” thing, we didn’t understand that positioning yourself this way aligns you most advantageously for the perfect neck-nibbling session. Yum.

As child psychologist Ilene Dover explained, “More and more studies are confirming that the introduction of grinding at an early age can help jump-start an adolescent’s confidence. I’ve encouraged my own son to explore grinding at his middle-school dances and now, he’s thriving in the classroom.”

When asked to comment on the social scene on campus, Penn President Amy Gutmann added, “grinding is progressive, paving the way for the nudist pool we’ll be opening on the high rise fields next fall as a part of our Freedom of Expression initiative … So, you guys excited for Spring Fling?”

Further, grinding has made Pottruck obsolete. Who needs Body Combat when your gluteus gets the workout of its life every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Tuesday night?

Surveys conducted by annoying Penn students in marketing classes have shown that grinding as a courting device usually leads to romantic dates — a swipe into Commons — and kissing in the rain (*wind tunnel) circa The Notebook. As College senior Hans Downerpantz revealed, “What started as an innocent pelvis-to-penis interaction evolved into a love that makes the storybooks jealous.”

We are thrilled but also devastated to inform our loyal readership (shout-out to Mom, Dad and pet kitty!) that this will be our last column. At last, we have found our true calling, a profession that will utilize our Penn degrees to the max. We’re tired of hitting the books — we’re ready to hit the stage.

Deuces.

Hayley Brooks & Ali Kokot are College sophomores from Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. and New York, N.Y. respectively. If you know how to have fun, email hayleybethbrooks@gmail.com and alikokot@gmail.com.

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