*This story appeared in the 2011 Joke Issue.
Certain FlingSafe members’ motto of responsible behavior has gone up in smoke.
Monday morning, a group of FlingSafe members were arrested for selling and smoking opium in a Fisher Hassenfeld dorm room.
While the Social Planning and Events Committee could not reveal the identities of those involved, it has temporarily suspended the FlingSafe program until further investigations are conducted and appropriate discipline is determined.
“The goal of FlingSafe is to promote safe and responsible choices during the Spring Fling weekend, and members of the program must reflect those values at all times,” Wharton junior and SPEC President Adam Thompson said.
Upon uncovering the operation, the Division of Public Safety obtained approximately one kilogram of opium, an estimated value of $15,000.
While officers have yet to determine when the opium den operation began, members of the group show clear dependency on the substance.
A College sophomore — whose identity has been retained due to legal complications — explained that he joined the group to reduce suspicion of substance abuse.
“Who would ever suspect FlingSafe members of smoking opium?” the sophomore said. “I just want to think about fun — you know what it is.”
The bust is the latest in line to what has been dubbed as “Operation Ivy League,” an undertaking that has already collared one Cornell and five Columbia University students for possession and sales of heroine, pot, cocaine and LSD respectively.
“While we understand that students may be under financial pressure due to recent tuition hikes, this is no way to pay off your student debt,” said Provost Vincent Price, echoing sentiments of Columbia deans and Cornell administrators.
“Yes, there are huge margins in the narcotics business, but this is obviously the kind of entrepreneurship that has gone too far,” said Richard Move, president of the Wharton Entrepreneurship Club. “Clearly, they could have managed their marketing outreach and channels of distribution more effectively.”
Others expressed relief at the arrest. One fraternity member who wished to stay anonymous said he was thankful for the incident. “This will finally take the pressure off of Greek life and the stigma we get for being the campus distributor of fun,” he said.
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