Graduation is an event I dread so much I refer to it with the Knocked Up inspired euphemism of “shmaduation.”
It will mean bidding farewell to so much: four-day weekends, no morning classes, Insomnia cookies. Soon, there will be no more bursar (so buy that iPad now!) Seniors, our PennCards expire in August. The tragedy is imminent. It is time, sadly, to say goodbye to all that.
While totally devastating, these are aspects of collegiate life that belong on campus. Taking them into the real world with us would be like wearing a Halloween costume on the Fourth of July.
You know what it’s not time to leave? Our e-mail addresses. They aren’t something we should outgrow. They’re a part of who we are now, something that should stay with us as we venture out across the universe.
Unfortunately, the University of Pennsylvania doesn’t want you to keep that e-mail account. Post-pomp-and-circumstance, our school e-mail addresses will be ripped from us, stolen away in some midsummer night. Faster than you can say “Would you like to make an alumni donation?” your e-mail will be gone, replaced with some mouthful of a thing with so many dots and words in it you’ll never even use it.
“What’s your e-mail?”
“Oh, it’s jessica-dot-goldstein-at-alumni-dot-upenn-dot-are-you-even-still-listening?”
Take away everything else, Penn. It’s okay. But do not take our e-mails.
Reader, surely you understand how important e-mail is. Odds are, you’ve already checked your e-mail at least once since you started this column.
“It’s dumb,” Engineering senior Chris Setian said. “[That’s] the first thing that comes to mind. It just gives students a reason to use [our Penn e-mails] as infrequently as possible, and effectively makes it useless to have anyway. Because why would you invest time in creating contacts through that e-mail if you’re going to have to re-establish them in four years anyway?”
Perhaps Penn did not anticipate the need for everlasting e-mails. Back when Penn first instated student e-mail addresses, we lived in the era of shrill and squeaky dial-up connections. Remember that little yellow running man sprinting towards the AOL symbol at an astonishingly slow speed? E-mail, ha! What is this “e-mail” trend? Surely just a phase we’re going through, like technological puberty. No way is this stuff going to stick around and become an integral part of our lives.
Except, oh wait, that is exactly what it did. Dear Penn, you do realize that we have spent the past four years communicating via e-mail? That it’s how our professors, our potential employers, our families and our friends reach us? That it’s as much a part of our electronic identity as our cell phone numbers?
This is not even an impossible feat, here. There are plenty of schools that let students keep e-mail addresses for life. We should be one of those schools. Step up, Penn, before we all flock to Gmail (actually most of us have done that already).
Our commitment to Penn as students and, ultimately, alumni, is a lifelong one. If Penn is forever, I want my e-mail to be forever, too.
Jessica Goldstein is a College senior from Berkeley Heights, N.J. Her e-mail address is goldstein@theDP.com. Say Anything appears every other Wednesday.
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