*This story appeared in the 2010 Joke Issue.
NSO will be a sobering experience for the class of 2014.
University administrators voted Monday to introduce a 10 p.m. curfew for freshmen during New Student Orientation, to address concerns about binge drinking at fraternity parties.
In addition to what has been dubbed the “freshman bedtime,” the University will be taking aggressive measures to stop on-campus parties, according to Associate Vice Provost for Student Affairs Ajay Nair.
Each fraternity house, including those off campus, will be watched by a Penn Police officer. Graduate assistants will also be hired for the duration of NSO to monitor student activities.
“If the program works well, the GAs may be invited to stay for the whole year,” he added.
These new measures were implemented after an appraisal of the University’s failed attempt to curb drinking during NSO this year. Despite the University’s best efforts to improve the variety of late-night iPad marathon readings at the Kelly Writers’ House and other non-fun, late night activities, administrators said they think students might still opt for fraternity parties.
“Partying with strangers during NSO is a right of passage at Penn,” said College freshman Josh Bridges. “It’s kind of like doing the elephant walk during [fraternity new member education] — I wouldn’t miss it for the world!”
“I’m way too socially awkward to talk to girls while sober,” said incoming Engineering freshman Zach Sutherland. “High school was really miserable.”
“It’s not called New Student Disorientation for a reason,” Office of Fraternity and Sorority Affairs Director Scott Reikofski said. “We want freshmen to keep their togas on.”
According to Reikofski, OFSA will partner with the Drug and Alcohol Resource Team to organize a new pre-freshman orientation program “NSOBEER” — an anagram for “NO BEERS” — in which students will learn how to “party responsibly.”
Some, however, were unfazed by the changes.
“I’m psyched for juice pong!” said incoming College freshman Allie Dyson.
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