*Two professors stripped of tenure

*This story appeared in the 2010 Joke Issue.

The University announced Monday that two dining employees have received tenure, while two esteemed professors will be stripped of tenure.

Political Science professor John DiIulio and Economics professor Rebecca Stein have both lost their tenure statuses and their jobs. To replace the soon-to-be-vacant faculty positions, the University gave Miss Lois of Einstein Bagels and Charles “the Egg Man” of Hill College House tenure due to their student recognition and catchy nicknames.

DiIulio’s demise began when Annenberg professor Kathleen Hall Jamieson protested against DiIulio, who worked for the Bush administration. Jamieson presented a petition and threat of resignation to the administration last week.

“The University needs to start supporting the Democratic Party within its own faculty,” she said. “I’m embarrassed to work for someone who is associated with the GOP.”

By supporting what Jamieson called “Republican riff-raff,” Penn’s reputation is becoming far too politically neutral — contradicting the Ivy League’s reputation as a liberal bastion.

“We have to follow the lead of schools like Brown. We already lack pot smokers. We can’t lack in Democrats,” she said.

DiIulio feels Jamieson’s aggressive petition has left him hopeless. “I feel like I’m pretty prominent on campus, what with all the textbooks I’ve written, but the petition has tarnished my reputation,” he said. “Time to go back to Princeton.”

Economics 001 has long been thought of as a staple freshman class, making Stein one of Penn’s most talked about professors. However, last fall 95 percent of her class failed because of the horrible curve and asked the administration to fire Stein as a result.

“Econ ruined my life, Stein is going down,” College freshman Robert Gregory tweeted on his new iPad.

On the bright side, Miss Lois and Charles will be the first two non-teaching Penn employees to receive tenure, a considerable honor, because of Lois’ cute smile and Charles’ mean fried eggs. In celebration, they will be serving free food on Tuesday.

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