*This story appeared in the 2010 Joke Issue.
HATTIESBURG, Miss. — For months, the Penn community has assumed that former men’s basketball coach Glen Miller was fired for inadequate performance. He had insufficient drive, critics complained, and had trouble breeding positive relations.
If only.
Multiple sources have confirmed that Miller has been confined here at the Pine Grove Behavioral Center since his Dec. 14 dismissal, confronting his inner demons along with Tiger Woods, Steve Phillips and others battling the same infliction.
Miller has been with 90 different people since 2006, giving him a women-to-win ratio of two, easily the highest in the Ivy League.
The University had an easy cover story, but sources say that Miller, who is married, may have been sacked because of too much fun in the sack.
Lee Stetson could not be reached for comment.
Tyler Bernardini is among the Quakers who fondly recall the two-a-days that defined Miller’s tenure.
“Bitch showed us her box,” Bernardini said of a morning encounter.
For the afternoon special, it was time for a more beautiful, humble replacement whose striking beauty didn’t stop at the surface.
“She’s really magical,” forward Jack Eggleston said. “She had really specific and mature tastes in things. … You can have one conversation or she can just look at you one time, and you’re just sucked in.”
Miller was indeed sucked.
But he made the ladies happy, too. One female athlete has no regrets about time spent in Miller’s Dunning Center office, previously known only for the stack of negative DP stories that overflowed from his desk’s bottom drawers.
“He works his butt off,” she said. “They say you know when you feel a connection, I felt it [with him].”
The voices that Dan Harrell and Kyle Whelliston insist they’ve heard within the Palestra walls? Nope, no ghosts. Just Miller and his female companion du jour.
One source said that Philly.com’s Jonathan Tannenwald would not leave The Hub for three weeks upon finding out that Miller had approached Parisa Bastani. (Andrew Scurria could not be reached for comment, although his boss at Target said he has the noon-to-eight shift tomorrow.)
And the weirdness is just beginning. According to another source, Miller’s needs were so insatiable that on at least one occasion, he turned to equestrians.
“I know nothing about [that] hobby, and it may be totally benign and safe,” former women’s basketball coach Pat Knapp said during a luau at the University of Hawaii last week.
“I do know you can bet on horses, though, under NCAA rules, because there’s no horse racing as an NCAA sport.”
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