*This story appeared in the 2010 Joke Issue.
Upon finally hearing he was named the men’s basketball coach, the unnaturally svelte Jerome Allen began to have second thoughts.
“To be honest, I didn’t know if I was ready to go in 100 percent for a team like this,” Allen said, after his Quakers posted the program’s worst Ivy record since Dick Harter’s 1967-68 squad erected just four league wins.
“You don’t know how hard it was to get a foreigner like Sean [Mullan] to learn how to dribble a basketball, let alone play a game,” he added in a suave baritone. “It drained my spirits.”
And so in a quick turnaround, Jerome Allen resigned from the head coaching position yesterday — just five days after athletic director Steve Bilsky gave him the nod for the head job.
“I started to think about my family, my wife and my suits, and I just don’t think that serving as the head coach is the right move for me at this point in my life,” the stunningly attractive Allen said. “I want to do something more fulfilling, like, I don’t know, coach Dartmouth.”
A move from Penn to the Big Green would make sense in a lot of ways. For one, Allen is very familiar with Dartmouth: he used to play the Big Green at least twice every season while he played in the Ivy League. As for Penn, Allen admits he never matched up with the Quakers.
“Yeah, I never played against Penn. Touche,” the always-classy Allen said.
Regardless of where the debonair Penn coach goes next, his withdrawal has left a bitter taste in the mouths of fans all over campus.
“It’s really unfortunate,” said Jason Winegarden, member of the Red and Blue Crew. “We had planned this amazing campaign called The Red and Blue Crew — and Allen Too.
“We were hoping to team up with Jerome in the community, pulling kids off the streets and bringing them into the Palestra to see some crappy basketball,” he explained. “It’s such a shame.”
The reaction among the players, meanwhile, was mixed, if not quizzical.
“Is he serious?” guard Zack Rosen asked. “I broke my back for that guy. Literally. No, really, I’m having surgery. I should be the one resigning.”
After letting off some fumes — and self-applying an Icy-Hot patch — Rosen backed off a bit.
“On the other hand, I understand it,” Rosen explained. “You have to think about what’s best for Jerome Allen. And for the suits, of course.”
“Who is Jerome Allen?” Swedish sensation Andreas Schreiber chimed in, offering perhaps his biggest contribution to the Penn community all year.
A representative of the Athletic Department claimed that Bilsky was traveling and could not be reached for comment — though DP blog commentors of questionable reliability claim to have seen him outside Hollywood Tans at 2101 Walnut Street.
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