Pontificating with purpose

Graduation: that time of the year when students and faculty wear funny hats, parents insist on taking pictures of their kids popping out of the button, and every average Joe and his aunt have some advice to give. You know, from the real world. Eric Schmidt, advice-giver and CEO of Google, spoke at the commencement of the class of 2009.

Like a lot of the guidance graduating seniors receive during the last few weeks of their undergraduate education, a lot of Schmidt’s comments seemed a little too commonplace for such an important occasion. Obviously, the skills required to make a speech—and the commencement speech in particular—are not easy to hone.

Eric Schmidt’s commencement address to the class of 2009 focused — unsurprisingly — on the technological advancements of the last century. Among these were beer cans, cell phones, and Twitter: all necessities of student life, according to Schmidt. Graduating senior Meredith Boehm “thought it was funny that while he talked about new innovations like twittering, my friend was twittering next to me at that very moment.”

While our generation takes things like Twitter and the instantaneous sending of information for granted, it does not seem fair to lump us all into one technologically-crazed group of beer-drinkers. There are probably more than a few Penn students out there fully incapable of tweeting about anything, and I would like to think that not every student’s college experience is as beer drenched as Animal House would suggest.

For the seniors who have graduated, you have no doubt heard plenty of speeches. To the still-to-graduate upperclassmen, you’re about halfway there on your fill. And to the pre-frosh who have yet to grace the halls of our wonderful institution, you’re about to get an earful. At every opportunity, there is a Penn or Penn-sponsored official with a speech in hand, ready to dish out, well … nothing, really.

But of all the speeches we endure at Penn, Commencement is often given the most importance — as it marks the grandeur of the day. This isn’t to say that they’re not inspiring or motivating — Jodie Foster quoted Eminem! Michael Bloomberg quoted Ludacris. These golden words are pure inspiration. But when we leave the field on which we hear them, are we really somehow changed? And frankly, after a while, they all sound the same.

Boehm also mentioned that Schmidt “definitely doesn’t have the star power that most of us had hoped for in a graduation speaker, but he did well.” Has the name of the speaker become more important than the ideas they pass on?

Looking through the few commencement speeches present in the ever-growing video archives of YouTube, I have come across a clear pattern for the structure of these cookie-cutter speeches. I have condensed them into Commencement Speech Mad Libs. It really is that easy.

Most speakers start with a joke — yes, even Kofi Annan — just to get the crowd warmed up. A lot of them refer to some kind of college-typical debauchery like: “I know you’re all hungover from partying at (name of on-campus bar).” At which everyone laughs because everyone is.

Then they get serious: “But there’s a lot going on in the real world, namely (name of current political event). Here’s what I know about what’s going on. Basically, there’s (important guy) and (other important guy), and here’s what you can do about it (lecture).” That is their perfect set-up for the advice they are about to dish.

Then they mix in a healthy dose of somewhat Penn-related inspiration: “There have been many before you who went on to do great things. (Name of notable Penn alumnus) went on to do (something notable). There’s nothing stopping you from doing the same but I’m not going to tell you what that is because the real world is tough, and people don’t just hand out answers.”

Then there is a faux-inspirational cliché: “It’s not about the destination it’s about the journey. I’d like to end with a Benjamin Franklin quote. (Benjamin Franklin quote). Get out there and do something.”

Schmidt, like most other Commencement Speakers added his own twist on this age-old formula. And while it got the laughs, the nods of approval and even applause, I was not satisfied. This may sound a little harsh, but if it was the last day of my undergraduate education at Penn — and the economic climate was still as tough as it currently is — I would really appreciate something a little more substantial than a half-filled-in Mad Lib.

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