Senior Goodbye from Julie Steinberg | One last set of shoutouts

A Series of Memos on the Occasion of our Graduation from Childhood.

In lieu of a column this week, I've decided to take a page from 34th Street and pen a few Shoutout-esque letters to express my feelings toward various people and/or inanimate objects (minus Robert Pattinson this time). While I couldn't address everything that's happened since freshman year, I've selected a few at random to reflect on in my final space.

To Penn, in general: I don't usually quote Kelly Clarkson, but my life would (have) sucked without you. Thank you for stimulating my curiosity, intellectual and otherwise, and making me realize learning doesn't have to stop after graduation.

To Kal Penn, specifically: I know you're a big deal, but couldn't you have given the DP an interview?

To Philadelphia: I think you're better than New York.

To Marty the exterminator in the Quad: Thank you for ridding my closet of the mouse babies that were born there. No, really, thank you.

To the person currently living in Chestnut 202: See above.

To birthdays: You are overrated. I'll turn 21 as many times as I please. Next year will be three.

To Penn Admissions: Sign me up as a Senior Associate for fall 2060.

To the class of 2013: There are no words to describe how jealous I am of you. I would pay you all the Icelandic krona in the world to switch places.

To the sun: Where were you this semester?

To John Updike and David Foster Wallace: You don't need to worry about your legacies. You will be read far into the future.

To the incredible professors and TAs who taught me film, journalism, literary theory, IR, Russian politics, poetry and more: I am honored to have been in your classes. (I apologize in advance for the frequent e-mails you will receive from me in the future.)

To regrets: I am so fortunate to say I don't know many of you yet.

To Karen the cashier at Wawa: You are so nice. I apologize for college students in general.

To all-nighters: I've promised never to see you again, but somehow that doesn't seem likely. Catch you in grad school.

To movies that apotheosize college: You were right.

To my parents: Thank you for letting me have the best four years of my life.

To cliches: Why are you inescapable?

To time: Stop running so fast.

To Time Absinthe Bar on Sansom: People still think absinthe is illegal. Ad campaign?

To Locust Walk: You are the nexus of perfection.

To the people who walk slowly on Locust Walk: I used to get annoyed but now I get it. It's beautiful. Take all the time you want.

To meningitis and swine flu: Both of you in one semester? That seems excessive.

To my editors: No one appreciates good syntax as much as you do. Thanks for turning me into the best beat reporter, opinion blogger, columnist and film editor I could be. Sorry for missing some many deadlines.

To Microsoft Word: Thank you for making footnotes so easy to do. And aesthetically pleasing.

To Asher Roth: Even if it's embarrassing to admit out loud/in print, I still love your (one) hit. I Love College is the new Animal House.

To Twitter: I know you're useful, but I really need more than 140 characters.

To newspapers: Keep on trucking. I know you'll make it.

To The Graduate: I understand you perfectly now.

To plastics: What's the 21st century version of you?

To members of Penn Review Literary Magazine, Daily Pennsylvanian, 34th Street, Parliamentary Debate and Sigma Delta Tau: You are all magnificent. These institutions are amazing because of you.

To the cupcakes at Metro: Epic.

To Daneeka at Philadelphia airport: Thank you for locating my bag with 46 books for my thesis in it.

To the class of 2009: You'll be fine forever. See you at Homecoming.

To graduation: I'm not certain why you exist.

To Bedouin Soundclash: I hope our footsteps echo louder than before.

To my time at Penn: See all of the above.

Thanks for making 2005-2009 my personal years of fulfillment. It's been grand.

Julie Steinberg is a College senior from Boca Raton, Fla. She is a former 34th Street editor and columnist. She plans on pursuing a career in journalism.

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