Athletes show off their SAAC talent

What do you get when you blend a fake afro, a Celine Dion video, a cookie monster mask and a human banana?

Besides a phenomenal theme party, of course.

The answer: a third-place finish at the Student Athlete Advisory Committee's athlete talent show, revived for the first time since 2006 at the Zellerbach Theater this past Monday evening.

The elaborate, if confusing, dance number from men's heavyweight crew received a near-perfect score of 29 from the three-judge panel, but couldn't match the flawless efforts of the men's basketball and football teams, which shared the top prize.

"I think it was fabulous," committee President Camille Richard said of the event, which drew a crowd of over 400 performers and spectators, as well as scores of charitable donations of canned food. "The turnout was way better than expected."

After women's track seized an early lead with its 21-woman ensemble dance to Beyonce's "Single Ladies," hoops freshmen Rob Belcore, Mike Howlett, Larry Loughery and Zack Rosen presented their rebuttal in the form of a prepared video.

Set in the Palestra locker room at the start, the players resolve to engage in some "streetball" to toughen up their games. With this new attitude, they storm out of the gym, charge up Walnut Street and employ every available resource for their new practice regimen.

This means defensive shuffles across 34th Street when the light changes, two-on-two games at the garbage cans on College Green and a "Locust Mix Tape" of ball-handling skills unleashed on a powerless - and clueless - student body.

"It was pretty good," said sophomore guard Tyler Bernardini - who was in attendance - when asked what he thought of the tape. "Larry [Loughery] proved he could jump high and dunk on a little girl, so we'll take it."

The performance was matched, however, by the acoustic-guitar stylings of football's Dave Kuncio. Accompanied by two friends on bongos and a bass, the junior kicker belted out his original song "Midnight," inspiring cell phone "lighter"-waving and pleas for "More cowbell!" from the enraptured crowd.

Even the reigning talent-show champ, men's soccer goalkeeper and senior Drew Healy, was impressed.

"The quality of it was just 100 times better [than in '06]," said Healy, who served as a judge Monday night. "I probably couldn't have won it this time around."

The Wilmington, Del., native also served as the choreographer of his teammates' intricate dance medley, in which three players unflinchingly flashed considerable skin as classics like Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back," Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" and Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" blared over the speaker system.

The most memorable one-liners of the night, meanwhile, came from men's lacrosse junior Brendan Saxon, whose comedy tunes - accompanied by some breezy guitar strumming - featured such immortal lyrics as: "What's a pirate without a ship? Just a creative homeless man" and "Squaring numbers is just like women. If they're under 13, just do them in your head."

In the end, though, Kuncio and the hoops freshmen were the last acts standing, sharing top honors from Healy and the judging crew.

Belcore, for one, lobbied for an impromptu tiebreaker against pigskin's leading crooner.

"Just grab me a ball," he said, "and see what happens."

Travelers of Locust Walk, be warned.

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