*Akon pulls out of Fling concert

*This article appeared in the 2009 joke issue.

Hip-hop singer-songwriter and producer Akon has pulled out of this year's Spring Fling Concert, announced Penn's Social Planning and Events Committee last night.

Due to the proximity of the event, alternative rock band Guster, originally scheduled to open for Akon, will take to the stage solo on April 17 at Franklin Field.

SPEC is offering partial refunds to students who had already purchased tickets at its Locust Walk table. PennCard holders who have already purchased the $30 concert ticket can receive a $20 refund, but will not be able to return tickets for the full $30. The group will continue to sell discounted $10 tickets for the Guster concert.

According to SPEC Concerts co-director and College junior Preston Hershorn, Akon informed SPEC late yesterday that he would instead be performing at Princeton University's Undergraduate Student Government concert on the same day.

Princeton had also been pursuing Akon in an attempt to attract alumni and prevent the school's endowment from dropping by the currently predicted 85 percent by the end of this year.

"We plan on a lovely afternoon of tea in the eating clubs, listening to Akon's hit 'Paper Planes' and feeling superior to Harvard and Yale" said Princeton student body president.

Akon cited Penn's proximity to West Philadelphia and recent violent incidents surrounding the University - such as the shooting outside Philly Diner in February and recent tension between students and workers at the McDonald's on 40th and Walnut streets - as the reason behind his sudden switch.

Additionally, as a self-professed "player" and "natural breeder," Akon said he was afraid of being caught in any compromising situations with intoxicated female students during his Fling stay.

"Penn's just too dangerous, you know what I'm saying?" Akon said. "I don't want to get in trouble or locked up again."

He added that he hoped students would understand his desire for "freedom," and proposed Phil Collins - whose songs make Akon weep - as an alternate performer for the Fling concert.

Collins was not available for comment.

"We're certainly disappointed at this unexpected twist in circumstances," Hershorn said. "FML."

However, Hershorn added that Akon has been generous enough to compensate for the reversal in his decision by agreeing to donate the Lamborghini Gallardo used in the filming of his Smack That music video, as well as several articles of clothing from his fashion line Konvict Clothing, all of which will be raffled off during the concert.

When asked how he felt about his sudden withdrawal from the concert, Akon did appear slightly apologetic.

"I wanna make up right now, na na," he said.

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