Wiktoria Parysek | The best of the useless

While some are packing bikinis, tanning lotion and flip-flops, my spring-break destination only requires snow boots, long johns and my trusty earmuffs. It certainly isn't Mexico, but the plane ticket was much cheaper, and I won't have to worry about falling asleep on the beach (again).

Once at the airport I can see myself eagerly scanning the monochrome departure screens until I find it - Pittsburgh, Pa., Gate A5, 7:25pm. But that's not why I'm excited. After boarding the plane set for the exotic City of Bridges, I hope to grab a good seat (thank you, Southwest), buckle up and snuggle with my favorite in-flight entertainment: SkyMall Magazine. You've all seen it too - the one-stop shop for everything you never knew you wanted. This one wonderful publication houses the world's most multifunctional - and therefore most useless - gadgets.

Oh what's that? You need a sensor-activated automatic paper-towel dispenser for your home kitchen? Maybe you do, but it doesn't make it any less useless. While the SkyMall Web site refers to these wonders as "innovative, unique products," I can't help but wonder how many people actually bought the wrought-iron holiday tree that looks like it came straight out of The Nightmare Before Christmas.

But what product could possibly attract a Penn student? This got me thinking about what we could possibly feature in a PennMall publication. Behold, a few suggestions:

In the electronics-and-gadgets section, you might be able to find a solar-powered BlackBerry and iPhone screen wiper for bad-weather texting, instant messaging, e-mailing and surfing. It attaches to your phone at the top and wipes away the rain, snow or diet Coke which dares muddy your precious cell. Your friends might snicker at first, but you'll have the last laugh when you're calling a cab to pick you up from that downtown BYO in a downpour. A version for oversized all-weather shades as well is in development.

And for those who don't get as many texts as they would like while strolling down Locust, there could be the Text Yourself keychain. Made to look like a Quaker bobblehead keychain, this gadget can send a blank text message at the press of a button. If you need to look busy, just reach into your pocket for your keys and press that magic button. (Disclaimer: this device does not promise to actually make you more popular) The Text Yourself is perfect for getting out of those awkward situations with the overeager guy from Chem lab.

And once you've got the wiper and the Text Yourself keychain, all you're missing is the Dial-Me-Not Breathalyzer. This device connects to your phone and will prevent you from calling or texting under the influence. Programmable with up to 10 numbers that you really shouldn't be talking to after a night at Smoke's - maybe that's your mother, that cute coworker, your ex or your ex's new girlfriend, you get to choose - the Dial-Me-Not can save you from awkward explanations the next morning. There's an adjustable BAC setting and a warranty making the company liable should the device fail and cause irreparable emotional damage.

Finally, la piece de resistance: No-More-Wind-Tunnel Helmet. This wonderful piece of technology and engineering is a self-contained piece of headgear designed to protect you, your hair and your face from the terror that is the wind tunnel. It slips over the head with plenty of room for almost any hairdo, a face guard for the wind and has an adjustable temperature - heat for the wintry gusts and air conditioning for the summer. The helmet is fully collapsible and will fit in any backpack or large shoulder bag. After a few days, you'll wonder how you ever got by without it.

If these suggestions have whetted your appetites, I suggest you talk to the Entrepreneurship Club and pitch these utterly useless but absolutely necessary contraptions. If these products should find unwarranted checks, please send my cut to the DP's offices. I'll be sure to pick them up once I'm back from the Arctic Tundra known as Pittsburgh.

Wiktoria Parysek is a College sophomore from Berlin. Wiki-Pedia appears on alternating Fridays. Her email address is parysek@dailypennsylvanian.com.

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