Dani Wexler | Of mice and Penn

Mice daunt the world.

Several countries have nuclear weapons, but we're at a loss when it comes to fist-sized rodents invading our sacred human space.

The good news for mice is that nobody understands the underlying issue. Complain to people (landlord, exterminator, loved ones, compassionate teddy bear) about your mouse problem, and they'll respond in the same way: Lay down mousetraps. Sure, that would be a logical answer if the question were, "How can I turn my room into a venue for rodent genocide?" If live mice in your room are already an icky nuisance, dead mice are even more emotionally damaging.

When Campus Apartments Maintenance Man #7458483 entered my mouse-ridden room, I thought he was the one. All my hopes were dashed when, frustrated, he uttered a final suggestion: "Why don't you just get a cat?"

Forget the difficulties of caring for a pet as a full-time college student. Imagine sitting in your room, enjoying some Pandora and doing your homework. Out of habit, you reach down to stroke your cuddly cat, Snuggles, but you retch at the sight of him devouring an uninvited mouse. (Check this out to be scarred for life.) Cat food was created so we wouldn't have to witness that process.

Already familiar with Campus Apartments' protocol, I wanted the perspective of a general Philadelphian exterminator. Humphrey Pest Control president Rosamond Humphrey confirmed my suspicions that nobody understands how to deal with mice.

"We use Maki [poison], which comes in pellets and blocks. The mouse eats it and leaves the house, and it takes a day for them to die."

I raised the idea of blocking off the source entirely, to which she responded: "We don't fill up holes. We tell the homeowner to do it."

Well, that's super.

Traps and cats successfully kill mice, but I want to know how it'd be possible for me to never see a mouse again.

Closing every possible opening to the outside is one option. But mice can make and enter holes as small as a half-inch in diameter. Sonar radiation supposedly repels rodents as well, but my housemate uses one and found a mouse in her trash the other day.

It's unfortunate that we're tormented by magical mice that fly directly to the third floor. Prevention's better than assassination, but we need more.

If we're going to kill mice, let's kill them right. Mousetraps range from sadistically brutal (snap-traps) to mercifully humane. Problem is, the humane traps tend to create "sticky" issues of their own. The most obvious example is the sticky-trap, intended to catch mice so they can be freed outside. But the story is the same each time: "I caught a mouse in my sticky trap - and it's still alive - and I can't get it off - what do I do?!" Mouse purgatory isn't the answer, though College freshman Zee Malik says these traps are a popular choice in her Gregory College House.

I recently heard a story about a person who decided to ignite a lighter and gas the mouse to death rather than let it fight for life in a garbage can - has it really come to this?

Some suggest attracting the mouse with a piece of cheese inside a cup. Sure, that's a great idea until the mouse pounces on your face as you carry it away. If it can crawl in, the sucker can get out, too.

In my research, I discovered tons of Internet literature dedicated to the issue. Some suggestions boggled my mind:

1. Grab the mouse by the tail and swing it hard onto a corner of a counter, hitting the back of its head.

2. Hold the tail and then use tweezers to break its neck.

3. Put it in the freezer to freeze the mouse to death (or in the case of college students, drink itself to its demise).

4. Put it in a bread bag and slam it onto the floor.

Imagine getting a phone call during one of these occasions. "Yeah, hey hold on man, I'm just swinging a mouse against the wall to smash its brains - I'll call you right back."

Robert Burns wrote a poem called "To a Mouse" in which he said: "The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry."

It seems like our plans are going awry, and their plans are going just fine.

Dani Wexler is a College sophomore from Los Angeles. Her e-mail is wexler@dailypennsylvanian.com. Wex Appeal appears every Friday.

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