If there is a line between success and gimmickry, Norries Wilson is trying to wash it away with a splash of Diet Coke. On Saturday's evidence, the Columbia coach is succeeding.
Columbia deserved better from this game. Penn's offense did nothing. None of the Quakers' three scoring drives were longer than 10 yards: They simply took advantage of slapstick, Benny Hill-esque mistakes Columbia made deep in its own territory. (The lowlights: a long snap from the 25-yard line, which sailed to the back of the endzone, and a fumble caused when the running back and quarterback crashed into each other at full speed, like bumper cars.)
Wilson had only coached one game at Franklin Field before this, but it was unforgettable. That debut ended in a shutout loss and a hilarious press-conference rant, ostensibly to motivate his team, wherein he teed off on his school's student newspaper, blasted the referees and accused Penn of ungainly recruiting tactics.
He has not abandoned his motivational techniques, only tweaked them. He was hands-on with his players, leading the pre-game cheers and offering encouragement or critique after the embarrassing bone-headed plays.
He was hands-on with Penn's players, too, helping them up after hard-fought plays, or preferably giving them pats on the butt. When a pass into the flat sent Penn blockers swarming to his sideline, he slapped three or four of them on the rear end, all with one hand, while a half-empty soda dangled from the other.
Meanwhile, his team has improved. It is far better than its 0-5 record, having caught a case of Penn syndrome (Definition: Losing most of one's games by less than a touchdown).
His predecessors led lifeless troops in for annual whippings from Penn, nine in a row before Wilson arrived, all by double-digit margins. In three years, Wilson has turned the Columbia-Penn game from an automatic 'L' to something worth watching, if not a classic just yet.
"I don't know if this was a rivalry game," he said. "There are no rivals for us. I don't think anybody respects us enough to think of us as a rival. No one's gonna respect us until we beat somebody.
"There isn't a word invented yet to tell you how I feel."
So of course, things aren't completely different, for Columbia or for Wilson. The Light Blues are staring a winless season dead in the face. If that doesn't change . well, the coach won't change either.
"This is wrong," he snapped, interrupting his quarterback back in mid-sentence the instant he got his hands on a box score. "There's not 70 minutes in a game. You can't have 43 minutes of possession if they have 31." He threw the offending sheet aside.
A few minutes later, still seething, he asked a Columbia staffer whether there were any alternate ways out of the building, so that he could avoid looking at "that man." (He did not hint at the mystery man's identity.)
A Columbia visit to Franklin Field would scarcely be complete without that Norries Wilson spunk. The difference this year? Some of it showed up on the field, not just off it.
Sebastien Angel is a senior Political Science major from Worcester, Mass., and is former Sports Editor of The Daily Pennsylvanian. His e-mail address is angelsd@dailypennsylvanian.com.
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