*Irina Malinovskaya | If I did it....

*This article appeared in the 2008 Joke Issue.

I wish Johnnie Cochran wasn't dead. "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit," he'd say. Then he'd accuse police of racism. Very nice.

And I'd be free, Flinging it up with y'all this weekend.

But instead, I'm sitting in jail drinking vodka and craving borscht. Come to America, they said. Experience liberty, they said. Yeah right. What kind of treatment is this? You'd think the KGB would've gotten me out by now.

Now that I'm on like my 68th trial, I figure I might as well make a couple of rubles while I'm at it.

So here goes. Here's the story of how I would have killed my fellow Irina (funny how we have the same name, no? Bondar had a thing for Irinas). If I had done it, that is.

Everyone keeps asking me : "Irina, why did you do it?" I don't really know. Maybe it was the Wharton core. After a while, finance gets to you and you start thinking in spreadsheets. I figured Bondar needed to diversify his interests and short-sell that Temple chick.

So I took a little drive to Delaware. During rush hour. If that doesn't make you want to kill someone, I don't know what does.

The rest is kind of messy.

They call it bludgeoning.

In management, we call it "aggressive negotiation."

In Russia, they call it a Five-Year plan.

Harsh, you might say. Still, we Eastern Europeans like to do things the old fashioned way. None of that wussy gun or poison crap. Take your anger out like a man. Even if you're a woman.

If I did it, there's only one thing I really regret. I should have worn some make-up. The crime you should be covering is the headcut you keep posting next to my articles.

But it has been three years. To the DP, I ask: what is it with you guys? You show up to my trials like some kind of obsessed ex-lover (believe me, I know how that feels).

I'm just glad I didn't quit suddenly from a high-ranking admissions post. Yeah, yeah, I know.touchy subject for you folks.

Things on your end haven't been too quiet. Those two shootings on the same block last year? You obviously have more important things to cover.

But after three mistrials, I have as much faith now in your judicial system as I do in your electoral process.

And what the hell is a caucus anyway? Shouldn't party leaders handpick the president? Autocracy makes things so much more simple - just ask Putin.

Anyway, apparently they want to change the venue of the next trial. I have a suggestion: the Old Country.

Well, it's been nice chatting, but I have to get back to Crime and Punishment. As you down your 25th shot during Fling, toast mother Russia for me, won't you?

Irina Malinovskaya is a Wharton undergraduate from Russia, whose DP picture will forever remain on the Wall of Bad Headcuts. Seriously, we're sorry.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.