*David Lei | Help me

*This article appeared in the 2008 joke issue.

It's very lonely at the top. A sophomore leading a board of.... other sophomores, rubbing elbows with plebes by day and controlling the media by night.

But after putting out your paper of record everyday, I return home to my room in the Quad, my pockets stuffed with beer bottles. All alone.

That's why, Penn reader, I want to be your friend. I want you to want me. I want you to need me.

So, in the interest of transparency and gaining your love, I would like to share with you, our loyal readers, the behind-the-scenes story of some of our most tenacious reporting this semester.

Weeks ago, we brought you the ground-breaking news of a cruel hoax on the Penn community. In a show of dedication and investigative reporting, two valiant news editors braved West Philadelphia -- under sniper fire - after getting a call at 3 a.m. to uncover the source of the joke: Easter eggs with fake Obama tickets inside them.

Through the night, those same two reporters dusted the eggs for fingerprints and consulted crime experts. But it was a piece of hair left behind and footprint in the grass that gave the perps away. By press time that night, we had identified the suspects and confirmed their involvement.

We brought you this story first, on the Internet, in print, on the radio, with an interactive feature and via podcast, underscoring our new role as a news organization and media conglomerate for the University of Pennsylvania (UTV here we come!). Ah, the beauty of synergy.

Thoughout the year, I will continue to bring you insight into what happens inside the newsroom.

And if you've got a news tip for us, dear [female] readers, I've got a sweet single in the Quad I'd love to show you.

David Lei is a hil-AR-ious person. His e-mail is iwannablackberry@gmail.com.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.