Zachary Noyce | What's in a name?

Before too long, we won't know our way around campus at all.

That's because Penn has a proud tradition of renaming anything and everything in response to large sums of money.

In the latest demonstration of that tradition, Logan Hall will be re-christened (or de-christened, perhaps) Claudia Cohen Hall to honor the late ex-wife of Ronald Perelman (perhaps you've heard of his Quadrangle).

Of course, we're pretty used to this phenomenon. After casting a line for alumni donations, Bennett Hall became Fisher-Bennett Hall. In less than ten years' time, Goldberg College House became Woodland College House, which became Fisher Hassenfeld College House.

Well, I've about had enough of all this nonsense. If we keep relying on University-granted names, we're going to be awfully lost when we come back to visit Penn in a decade.

So I have a modest proposal: We need to start coming up with - and using - nicknames.

Logan Hall . er, uh Cohen Hall could be College Hall Junior, and College Hall could be called the "Green Monster." As for Huntsman Hall, "Vortex of Selfishness" fits nicely. We could call Locust Walk "The Gauntlet" and VanPelt Library could simply be "home" to a depressingly large percentage of the Penn student population. It also might be more appropriate to call David Rittenhouse Laboratories "locker-less middle-school labs" than DRL.

I asked around and got a few more suggestions. "I used to call High Rise North, 'Northowitz' and I called Hill House 'Panama' because of the climate inside," 2006 Wharton graduate Ricardo Franco says.

As University administrators continue asking alumni for more and more money, I don't really have any problem with them breaking out the chisel every now and again.

I'm sure that future students wouldn't have any problems with grabbing a snack in Baker Hall after walking across the Foote Bridge on their way home to Small College House after a long day of studying in the Payne Library.

When we stop using the names, Penn won't even need to feel any shame about selling naming rights. When Morgan Stanley offers the University a cool billion dollars to put their name on Huntsman Hall, it won't hurt so much if no one even uses the name anymore.

Wharton freshman Sachin Amrute points to the Castle as a prime example on campus. The University could slap any name they want on it and the student body wouldn't bat an eye. "Nicknames are good because no matter what the building is called, people will know what it is."

Donors who spend the money to change building names might not like it so much, though.

"I think the people who donate the money like the idea of people saying their name," Engineering freshman Evan Dvorak points out.

The spry young alumni of the Class of 1920 probably wouldn't be happy with Dvorak and his friends. As a nod to the line, "Tonight we dine in hell," from 300, he and his friends occasionally refer to 1920 Commons as 'Hell.'

People have been calling Huntsman Hall 'the Death Star' for years, and some even refer to Rodin College House as 'Northodox.' That's a nice start, but there's potential to do so much better.

Consider this a call to action, Penn students. It's time for us to ditch names like "Stiteler Hall" and "Towne Building" before the University does.

We need to stop letting Penn dictate what we call the buildings in which we live and study with such trivial things as official building names.

Zachary Noyce is a College junior from Salt Lake City, Utah. His e-mail is noyce@dailypennsylvanian.com. The Stormin' Mormon appears Mondays.

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