To hold hands or not to hold hands

They've been together for two years, but they still can't hold hands in public.

Kate, a College sophomore, began dating Dan, a University of Charleston sophomore, while still in high school. Still together, their biggest relationship issue isn't that they are long distance - it's that they are a secret.

Early in the romance, Kate, whose name has been changed to protect her anonymity, made one condition: Her parents couldn't know the truth.

Dan is neither Hindu nor Indian - two requirements for romantic partners in Kate's family - and at the time they began seeing each other, Kate wasn't allowed to date at all.

Now, two years later, Kate's parents still have no idea. Meanwhile, her brother and the majority of her hometown, including Dan's family and the local golf club - which Dan, Dan's father and Kate's father all frequent - know about the relationship and keep it secret.

Secret romances like Kate's are difficult to track, but are not uncommon, said Craig Foster, an associate professor at the U.S. Air Force Academy and a co-author of a 2005 study on secret relationships.

Reasons for secrecy can include anything from workplace regulations to age gaps, hidden sexual orientations to cultural concerns.

Sophomores Michelle and Brian, whose names have also been changed to protect their anonymity, have been dating for well over a year, but due to differing racial and religious backgrounds, Michelle has kept Brian a secret from her family.

As a first-generation immigrant, she knows her conservative parents would never approve of the relationship.

If they were to find out about Brian, Michelle expects they would make her transfer to a school closer to home so they could keep an eye on her.

"With secret-keeping, that's the tension," Foster said. "Keeping secrets is a hassle, but revealing secrets can sometimes create bigger problems."

Michelle is constantly worried that the news will get back to her parents through a family friend who also goes to Penn. She and Brian don't go to many parties together and have made conscious efforts in the past to stagger arrival times to the same place. During vacations, Brian said he calls Michelle at home late at night and must be prepared for her to hang up suddenly in the middle of conversations.

Most of their friends now know about their relationship - as does Brian's family - but "it's not like we're public or on Facebook or hold hands on Locust Walk," said Michelle.

"The deception involved in keeping secrets is stressful," Foster said. "Lying all the time is hard work."

Keeping secrets can also strain relationships, he explained, especially since social support is often lacking.

These romances can prove very "costly," not only because secret partners tend to be less satisfied than those in open relationships but also because secrecy can strain outside relationships, Foster said.

Michelle often feels guilty about keeping Brian a secret from her family.

"It's hard when you love someone so much to hide something from them," she said.

Likewise, Kate is scared that revealing the truth about Dan will threaten her relationship with her mother because she "would never really accept it."

This past December, Kate tested the waters by mentioning the hypothetical possibility of liking a non-Indian boy.

"She just shook her head and said this can't happen," said Kate. Her mother added that all she asked of her children was that they do well in school and marry Indians.

Since coming to Penn, which has a large South Asian community, Kate has been presented with abundant opportunities to build more open relationships.

"There are a lot of people out there I could easily take to my parents," Kate said.

But none of them are Dan.

Recently, a new complication has been thrown in the mix for both Kate and Michelle: the possibility of a diamond ring.

With a potential engagement on the horizon, Michelle has considered the possibility of marrying outside her culture and religion, which would be a "huge shock" to her parents.

Brian said the secrecy has been "worth it" so far. In the long run, he would consider converting if it were the only way to make the relationship work.

For Kate, although marriage "has been spoken of," wedding bells are far off in the distance.

"The one thing that always makes me happy is the one thing that hurts [my family] the most," said Kate.

So, in the meantime, her hand won't be holding Dan's - much less wearing a ring.

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