Harry Lee | Complaining: a guide

Avoiding weirdos is often easy, even though they crowd this world. But at Penn, you can get stuck with blossoming freaks as roommates every semester. School acts like a greenhouse for oddities, which thrive once removed from parental shadows. How can you deal with your roommates' peculiar ways and odd beliefs?

For example, many weirdos believe that were they not to leave thickets of pubic hair in the shower, others would die from frustrated curiosity about its length, color and curliness. Others think that microbes can remove pasta sauce from dirty plates overnight, as jackals might strip flesh from a carcass, leaving only bone china behind.

Writing a public complaint is one way to escape from freak-traps, but venting in public has many pitfalls. You can be ridiculed or ostracized -- a blessing in disguise, perhaps - if you strike the wrong tone.

Yet fear not: I'll guide you. When complaining, context is everything. Nevertheless, there are some general(ish) rules of thumb.

Rule #1: Avoid apocalyptic statements. A notice in my building reads, "Garbage bags left on the floor attract mice, roaches, flies, fruit flies and worse. If you haven't seen any yet, trust that they are coming." I thought of the trashy sci-fi movie Starship Troopers about intergalactic war between man and the Bugs. No one takes notice of apparently insane or paranoid ranting.

Rule #2: At first, conceal your full fury. One morning, a little note appeared on our fridge that read, "Julia is fuming - someone stole her halloumi cheese" and below was a stick woman (Julia) with a frown and squiggly lines of fury traveling from her head like sunbeams. A student rock band called The Fuming Julias was soon formed (seriously).

Rule #3: Avoid humor. Never begin with, "What did the pubic hair say to the nail clipping?" or similar. If you've written a note, things are bad and use your tone to add gravity.

Rule #4: At first, retain anonymity. "Odd" is a relative adjective, like "tall" -- I'm odd to some odd people, who in turn find others odd that I regard as normal. You might misjudge your group. Consider this scene: "Whoever wrote that note is a loser," one says.

"A retard," claims another.

"Retentive," adds your best friend.

With anonymity, you can blithely chip in, "Yeah, f***ing, like, totally."

Now to context. The sex of your opponents is crucial. The life-cycle of a complaint is very different when boys take on boys, girls take on girls and girls take on boys.

Amongst boys, alpha-male status is up for grabs. Even boys who sneer at alpha-male types, with lives centered on football, beer and porn, do so with an eye to the in-group authority it might confer. Boys like to think they're alpha males. Similarly, something like 70 percent of American men believe they are above-average drivers.

Here's a problem -- alpha males don't moan. Alpha males exhibit terrifying nonchalance and swing through trees, pulping fruit between their gums, in search of females in heat. Moaning about dirty dishes is tantamount to admitting that you've failed to impose yourself on your environment. No alpha male can do this.

So, break Rule #3. Note the squalor but with amused detachment - "Guys, we live like animals. Hahaha. It's gross. You know, we should all start pissing on the table legs like hounds . hahahaha," then strut off scratching your balls. A beautiful performance, which if repeated, might provoke discussion and change -- possibly for the worse.

If you're a girl taking on boys, consider breaking Rule #4. First off, your handwriting will probably give you away. Even if you type your note, you'll almost certainly have the lowest tolerance for filth and the boys will know it too. Some boys might even be relying on you - cowards! Be brave and sign.

Rule #2 starts with the condition "at first." If your most artful public complaint gets you nowhere, then consider imposing sanctions. For dishes, I recommend the following plan -- buy a chest and a lock and put all but one knife, fork, spoon, cup and plate inside the chest, lock the chest and bury it in Alaska (or your backyard).

Lastly, when imposing sanctions on others just remember that you're probably stuck with them for the year and as Lincoln said, "A house divided against itself cannot stand." Admittedly, he then went headlong into civil war - but whatever.

Good luck - Godspeed.

Harry Lee is a second-year economics Ph.D. candidate from Portsmouth, England. His e-mail address is lee@dailypennsylvanian.com. The Pondskater appears on alternating Wednesdays.

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