Stephen Krewson | Just Tase me now, bro

You've probably seen the video by now - the one where that University of Florida douche bag gets Tasered at a John Kerry town hall meeting.

It occupies a special place in viral-video chronology; right after Britney at the VMAs and just before the Swedish hostess who threw up on live TV. While the Tasing clip has none of the former's slop or the latter's projectile vomit, it does raise serious questions - scratch that, just questions - about the extent of free expression on college campuses.

Making the Tasee, Andrew Meyer, into some champion of civil liberties would be about as agreeable as shock therapy was for John Nash. Analyzing the incident yet again would be like beating a dead horse with, well, an electric cattle prod. But how could I animate this story with some semblance of relevance or meaning?

After another laugh over the video (and a tear-inducing remix which sets Meyer's braying to a catchy, techno beat), I set out to discover the best way to get Tased at Penn. Since there were no failed presidential candidates on campus that day, I realized I would have to ask the cops to skip the part where I jump around while shouting obnoxious questions and go directly to the Tasing.

Turns out, these blue-clad cowards refused me even this small favor. Jared Hupp, spokesman for Penn's Division of Public Safety, argued with uncalled-for logic that "currently our police department does not use Tasers, so we do not feel it appropriate to comment."

I was shocked. How had Penn's finest stemmed the tide of screwdriver-wielding maniacs and the juvenile gangs for all these years without Tasers? On the flip side, maybe our lack of Tasers is responsible for our security shortcomings!

Digging deeper, I visited Colosimo's, a local gun- and police-supply shop located at 9th and Spring Garden. Walking up to its uninviting, blighted facade, I consoled myself with the fact that I was only going to be Tased, not shot.

Thwarted again! The salesperson, who asked to be called Jerome, told me they didn't sell Tasers because they are illegal in Philadelphia. So are many other types of weaponry, apparently, including BB and pellet guns.

I struck up a conversation with Jerome, eventually asking just what kind of person patronized Colosimo's. "It's people that the media has frightened," he said, noting the yearly hysteria when the citywide shooting statistics (some 400 last year) are released. The smartass in me wanted to blurt out that maybe these numbers would go down if the store started selling more Tasers and fewer Glocks. But that's stupid, so I shut up.

My quest having failed, I turned to the Internet for guidance. From the official police report, I learned that the Taser X26 was what officer Nicole Mallo utilized for "the continuation of non-compliance by the man." Non-compliers everywhere beware: The X26 is 60 percent lighter than the older model and uses Shaped Pulse technology to "save the main blast for full effect"! Truly, the heroic sergeant Eddie King was right to order the Tasering. After all, "[his] pair of sunglasses were destroyed and [his] hat was knocked off" during the altercation.

Think what you will of Meyer and the Florida police, but the entire situation seems an apt metaphor for our generation.

The people seeking change (Meyer) are narcissistic provocateurs who care more about themselves and their pet cause than true progress.

Those in charge (Kerry) are woefully ineffectual, content to let things devolve into chaos rather than intervene and demonstrate leadership.

The letter of the law (the overzealous hordes of police) has overpowerd its spirit and become completely emasculated (a woman administered the tasing).

The people in the crowd (that's us) are too disorganized or fearful of jeopardizing their own futures to act at all --- Stephen Colbert brilliantly mocked the bystanders at the Kerry event: "That kid in orange is bored. He's probably thinking something like, 'I wish they would stop Tasering this guy so I can go home and watch this guy getting Tasered on YouTube.'"

As for the Taser? I don't know; maybe it's just the thing we need to jolt us out of our political coma and into giving a damn about what's happening to our freedom - at least until the latest High School Musical star gets naked.

Stephen Krewson is a College sophomore from Schenectady, NY. His e-mail is krewson@dailypennsylvanian.com. The Parthian Shot appears on Fridays.

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