*Malinovskaya returns on academic release

*This article appeared in the 2007 Joke Issue

Irina Malinovskaya, the Wharton undergraduate currently awaiting a third trial for murder, has been put on academic release and will continue her studies at Penn.

Malinovskaya will spend the fall 2007 semester attending classes at Wharton to complete her degree.

She is accused of bludgeoning the girlfriend of her ex-boyfriend to death in 2004.

The release of Malinovskaya follows controversy earlier in the semester about Kurt Mitman, a convicted sex offender who commuted from jail to Penn on academic release, which was later revoked.

And Malinovskaya's academic release has provoked mixed reactions from students.

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable having a girl who could beat me up in class with me," Wharton junior Andrew Tickle said. "All these sprightly Jappy girls have kept me off guard. She's a real bruiser."

As for the famed bludgeoness in question, Malinovskaya looked relieved to be leaving the Delaware where she has been jailed for the last two and a half years.

"It was tough," she said. "Growing up in the Soviet Union, I'm used to a life that sucks. But when you don't got no bitches to back you up, it's a rough life."

"Most of all," she added, "I'm hella pissed that The Daily Pennsylvanian kept running that ugly mugshot of mine. I'm a phenomenal woman and I deserve the chance to shine!"

The decision to allow Malinovskaya's attendance was made purely on academic grounds, Wharton Dean Patrick Harker said.

"Irina showed great promise as a student, and we think it's a shame not to allow her to get a degree just because she allegedly killed someone," Harker said

"Also, she seems to exhibit the sort of cutthroat attitude needed for Wall Street that we look for here at Wharton," he added. "High schoolers, take note."

Asked whether the choice to allow Malinovskaya back on campus would cast a bad light on the University, Penn President Amy Gutmann expressed mixed emotions.

"I don't think it will hurt our U.S. News rankings. And, hey, at least she's only alleged at this point," Gutmann said. "Plus, she's made it past two trials already! Our other inmates should be so lucky."

Harker denied all allegations that he and Dean DeTurck of the College of Arts and Sciences are having a competition for whose staff and students will cause more deaths by the end of the year.

"But if we were having a competition, I'd be winning," he said.

Finance professor James Hughes, who formerly served as Malinovskaya's advisor, praised her dedication to business and to getting what she wanted - no matter what other people might think.

"Just think, if you were in a conference with someone who bludgeons their enemies to death, would you disagree with them?" he said.

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