*Jailed profs to speak for Criminology dept.

*This article appeared in the 2007 Joke Issue

Robb. Ward. McIntosh.

The terrific trio - one part accused murder, one part child pornographer and one part sexual offender - is coming back to campus to teach Penn students, O.J. Simpson-style.

The Criminology department has sponsored a symposium, to be held next Thursday, that will feature the three embattled professors' thoughts on the art of not getting caught.

Robb seemed relieved to leave the Montgomery County prison, where he has been spending the last four months in a cell with a large man named Rufus.

"What has Rufus been doing to me?" Robb asked.

Surprisingly, student response hasn't been completely supportive.

The same students who complained about James Baker speaking at graduation are in a tizzy about the Robb-Ward-McIntosh posse appearing at the panel.

College senior Paul Mosher said, "It's not technically what these guys have done that we're protesting. I just like to find anything to protest - like Amy Gutmann's protruding clavicle."

But the Criminology department is remaining firm in its decision to bring these men back to Penn.

"It's important that students understand the true art of deception," department head Lawrence Sherman said.

Robb's presentation will include a step-by-step demonstration of how to break a glass window. His skills have been heard to rival those of Chuck Norris, whose chief export is pain.

Also, he plans to explain why dialing a 10-digit local police number is more economical than dialing 911.

Ward will follow Robb's speech with a Y7-style video. While Y7 was formally the television code for "appropriate for children under seven years old," this film actually features pornography of only children under that age.

After pleading guilty to producing child pornography in February, Ward has been continuing to hone his skills and believes that a Y7 film will really "launch his career as a noted cinematographer."

Finally, McIntosh will perform a seductive samba dance, illustrating how to successfully lure a Penn graduate student.

"These moves are hot - I've been practicing for weeks," the 52-year-old former professor noted.

Rumor has it that McIntosh's dance will be performed to a song off of Akon's new CD, "Konvicted."

The trio agrees that they hope their presentations will enlighten students.

"We just want to educate, and maybe get a peek at the kids," Ward said.

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