*Guest Opinion | We'll basically hire anyone

*This column appeared in the 2007 Joke Issue

As I was going through the University's files on financial aid to make sure we're not doing anything else illegal with our financial aid policies (IT'S NOT KICKBACKS, WE SWEAR), I came across the document below.

It shows the answers of a faculty candidate that we were considering a few years back. It was marked with an "Accepted," so they might still be here. We're not really sure, but we've put together a committee to look into it.

But back to the point. I figured that as long as we're being honest about our finances, it's high time we got real about making hiring practices transparent.

When I published that letter with Ron "I'm Canadian so people like me" Daniels earlier in the semester about being open with students regarding who we let on campus, I didn't really mean it. But Andrew Cuomo has humbled me and today I see myself as a modern-day George Washington. I can no longer tell a lie.

True, publishing the application for all of you to read and judge us by proves that we knowingly employ dangerous criminals to teach you guys, but it's not like students will remember anything after this weekend anyway.

My BFF and fellow Man-About-Campus Tony Sorrentino also alerted me to the fact that ace DP reporter Ali Jackson found the same document crumpled up in the dumpster behind Gut's office, so I figured we'd beat her to the punch.

Normally, I would just sweet talk her and pump her full of free soda, like I do with other DP staffers, but this time I'm serious about accountability. This is one of the few times we're looking a hell of a lot better than Columbia (seriously, they took kickbacks, not us), and I want to milk the moment for all its worth.

Before you read the application, I'd also like to point out that in the event that this proves the University did something wrong, no one in this office takes responsibility. We always get so much crap for what the "academics" do, and it's frankly unfair.

They're trying to steal your souls - I'm just trying to be the mature one in the Gut administration (With a kid dressed as a terrorist? Really?).

I suppose I've beaten around the bush long enough. And if you find yourself upset and outraged at this minor hiring oversight, just remember - at least we didn't take kickbacks.

Name: Rafael McIntosh Ward

Previous Positions Held: Religious zealot on the Compass, homeless guy outside of Wawa, Yale professor.

Position Applying For: President of the University

1. Do you have in your possession any sort of child pornography?

Define "pornography."

a. If yes, was any of this pornography produced by you for importation into the United States?

It's already here. Does that count?

2. Are you currently in jail?

Currently, as in at this exact moment? No. Oh wait - does a holding cell count?

3. Are you going through a bitter divorce?

No. I also don't own a long, cylindrical object. No, definitely not.

4. Do people from India make you "irate?"

Yes...I mean, no.

5. Have you ever been convicted of attempted murder or aggravated assault?

Yes.

a.) If yes: Would working among pastries and soups all day trigger violent emotions leading to repeats of these crimes?

Possibly - I'd have to see the pastries in question firsthand.

6. Would you ever attempt to kidnap Glinda the Good Witch?

If only to force nutrients down her throat.

7. Are you applying for this job so that someday you'll get tenure and be able to claim that you're innocent because you're a very prestigious professor?

Absolutely. Very prestigious.

Craig Carnaroli is a really nice guy. And we're not just saying that because he always gives us free soda when we go to his office. Do those count as kickbacks?

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