*Faust: 'Innate differences' no more

*This article appeared in the 2007 Joke Issue

Drew Gilpin Faust is set to take the reigns as Harvard University's 28th president this summer, but whether she will also become the institution's first female president is now less certain.

In confidential documents obtained by The Daily Pennsylvanian, several members of Harvard's Board of Overseers called Faust's gender into question.

"At this point, I am 90 percent certain that Faust is actually a man," wrote James Houghton, a senior fellow of the Harvard Corporation, in a memo to the rest of the board.

Subsequent memos brought to light several other suspicious incidents, in which members of the board reported seeing Faust pee standing up as well as attempt to cover up her Adam's apple with ivory-toned concealor.

Following former Harvard President Lawrence Summers' comments about the scientific aptitude of women, Harvard's presidential search put a strong emphasis on female candidates - or at least, it seems, candidates who looked like they were female.

When reached by phone, a Harvard spokesman said, "We will neither confirm of deny rumors about Drew Faust's hairy, hairy chest, voice deeper than Barry White's or freakishly high levels of testosterone."

Meanwhile, news of Faust's alleged masculinity has caused ripples at Penn, where Faust earned her doctoral degree and taught for some 20 years.

"I am of the opinion that Drew's gender and penchant for cross-dressing has no bearing on his ability to serve as Harvard's president," said Bob Shoenberg, long-time director of Penn's Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Center. "But honestly, he's almost six feet tall and he swears like a sailor - I'm pretty surprised he fooled everyone for this long."

But some at Penn feel betrayed.

"Everything I know about women's studies, I learned from a man," said professor Judy Silverstein, who studied under Faust when he headed Penn's Women's Studies Program. "What is transexuality doing to us?"

University President Amy Gutmann refused to comment on the situation, but an aide confirmed the President rescinded Faust's invitation to Gutmann's annual "Prez grrrrlz of the Ivy League" slumber party and pillow fight.

"Gutmann was uncomfortable with the idea of getting cooties from Faust," the aide said.

John Q. Education, a freelance education pundit who is currently between jobs, noted that the revelation of Faust's true gender echoes an earlier Harvard scandal, in which its selection for provost turned out to be a ferret.

"My guess is that this snafu will cause Harvard to take a long, hard look at its candidate-vetting process," he said, adding that at least one other current Ivy League president is hiding something big.

"Let's just say that Cornell President David Skorton likes the ladies - maybe a little too much," he said. "Oh, and Gutmann? She's not a natural blonde."

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