I remember my 10th birthday in excruciating detail. My dad set up a huge tent in our yard and all of my friends spent the night out there, eating candy, giggling and watching PG-13 movies we'd smuggled past the guards.
We also spent a considerable amount of time fending off my little brother, who was "totally half my age." I mean, come on: I was in double digits, with no time for the peons who called themselves my family. Please.
Exactly 10 years later, I find myself about to leave the decade I entered with such enthusiasm on the damp grass of my front lawn. A month ago, I was excited to turn 20, to start a new phase of my life. But recently, the impending doom of no longer being a teenager has weighed heavily on me. A recent conversation with an older friend was an eye-opener.
I was complaining about the old people on vacation. "I mean, there were probably about two teenagers in the whole place," I said.
"Well, Ali," she laughed. "You're pretty much not a teenager anymore." What?
And then it hit me: She was right (I'm beginning to realize that I am almost always wrong). I thought 18 was this big milestone, that I'd become an adult.
But now I see the truth - 18 is a fake birthday, where you think you have all this new freedom, but when it really comes down to it, you're in the same place you started.
Want to get a skull and crossbones tattooed on your cheek? Good luck finding shelter when your parents kick you out. Thinking about deferring college for a year to go surfing in Fiji? Better hope they'll still pay your tuition when you get back.
So while turning 20 doesn't provide any tangible milestones, it's one more step towards actual responsibility and takes away the best excuse ever created: "I'm just a kid."
I figured I couldn't be alone in my tailspin and it turns out I was right (imagine that!) - people of all stages of life worry about their next step.
Who better to start with than the biggest nuisance ever to hit my fifth grade birthday party, and the guy I now see as the coolest kid ever - my little brother. At 15, he's got one thing on his mind: the ever-elusive driver's license.
"I like getting older because I can be more independent," he explained. "There's stuff to look forward to. Everything is another step towards the rest of your life."
What did he think being 20 would be like? "That's old," he said matter-of-factly. But he did say that 22 would be his ideal age to stay forever. "But if you say why in your column, I'll have to beat you up," he warned. Don't laugh. He can take me.
Second-year MBA Dustin Burke agreed that getting older changes as you, well, get older. "For you, the numbers are still good," he said. "You get more rights as you go on. I have all the rights and privileges I'm ever going to have." His life has surprised him just as much as mine has. "I thought I would have everything set by now, at age 28," Burke said. "I thought I'd feel a lot more grown-up."
As it turns out, not feeling as grown-up as you thought you would be is universal.
Finance professor emeritus William Whitney said, "The last 50 years since I was 20 have gone by so quickly. I feel like I'm always catching up - just when I think my students see me as their parents' age, I realize I'm actually closer to their grandparents."
Even retirement is not what he expected. "I thought I would be more structured at this point. You know, have time to read the classics," Whitney said. And then he continued, with a chuckle, "But I don't have any desire to do something crazy, like learn to water ski."
Apparently my uneasiness with getting older will never go away. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait until next year's birthday, but I can't help but think about all the things I'll never do again. My firsts are almost over.
For my brother, his firsts are just starting - first time driving a car, driving a car alone, then crashing that car and pretending he just "found it like that!" Sometimes I wish I could go back to those years of discovery. Whoa. For a second there I almost missed being grounded. That's when you know you're done.
Ali Jackson is a Wharton and College sophomore from Cardiff, Calif. Her e-mail address is jackson@dailypennsylvanian.com. A Little Person-Ali-ty appears on Mondays.
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