Forget James Baker.
When the DP reported last week that Aretha Franklin will be receiving an honorary degree at Penn's 251st Commencement in May, I was ecstatic. Think of what this will do for Penn's name recognition, fundraising and networking . not to mention appealing to lovers of R&B; everywhere!
What an inspiring and appropriate choice, I thought to myself, as I gleefully envisioned the Queen of Soul accepting her well-earned degree to the tune of her magnum opus "Respect" blaring in the background:
"I'm about to give you all of my money, And all I'm askin' in return, honey, Is to give me my propers, When you get home (just a, just a, just a, just a), Yeah baby (just a, just a, just a, just a)"
But as impressed as I am with Penn for finally recognizing Sister Re's considerable musical achievements, I just can't understand why the Trustees' committee chose some of the other recipients.
Like Aaron Temkin Beck, the internationally renowned psychiatrist and a professor emeritus of Psychiatry at Penn. So what if he's the father of cognitive therapy and invented the widely used Beck Scales? Is he going to be able to make a $40 million donation to the University like Jon Huntsman did two years after he received his honorary degree of Doctor of Laws in 1996? I didn't think so.
And can someone please explain to me why Caroline Bynum, a distinguished scholar of medieval religious thought and practice who specializes in women's piety, is receiving an honorary degree?
You have to earn your honorary degree, damn it, like the former CEO of pharmaceutical giant Merck, Roy Vagelos, did in 1999 by donating $10 million toward the construction of the Vagelos Laboratories four years earlier. Bynum, on the other hand, recently wrote a book about the saving power attributed to Christ's blood in northern Germany in the 15th century. I don't even know what that means, but I'm fairly certain it's not going to translate to a multi-million dollar donation anytime soon.
Penn has a handful of precious spots with which to honor celebrities, high-profile politicians and Fortune 500 CEOs. It makes me sick that the University is wasting honorary degrees on true academics whose sole accomplishment is their betterment of society and scholarly contributions.
In order to ensure that Penn doesn't repeat these disastrous and inexplicable mistakes, I have developed a two-pronged test by which to vet potential honorary degree recipients. To be eligible for an honorary degree, the recipient need fulfill only one of the following criteria:
1) The candidate is a multi-millionaire.
2) The candidate is famous.
With this test in mind I have developed a short list of candidates to immediately replace Beck, Bynum, pioneering physicist Mildred Dresselhaus and mayor of Atlanta Shirley Franklin (U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg barely squeaks by if only for her direct influence in Washington).
First, I would like to nominate Lindsay Lohan for the honorary degree of Doctor in Humane Letters. Lohan has been a tireless fighter in the battle for increased awareness of redheads' attractiveness prior to alcohol and narcotics abuse.
Lohan is also deeply concerned about the education of the next generation, as she wrote in a poignant e-mail to friends last December, in which she announced her intention to release a "fully adequite letter to the press" in order to state her "oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of country. Our people."
Compelling.
My second nomination goes to disgraced former CEO of Enron Jeff Skilling for an honorary Masters degree in Financial Engineering. Skilling, recently sentenced to 24 years in jail for his role in the corporation's multi-billion dollar accounting fraud, should be celebrated for his substantial contributions to our understanding of arbitrage, bankruptcy and insider trading. (His assets are in the process of being liquidated, so the sooner the better on this one).
Nicole Richie gets two honorary degrees. The first is a Doctor of Science for her unremitting dedication and self-sacrifice in exploring the effects of eating disorders on young women today.
The second is the prestigious Doctor of Fine Arts, awarded to Richie for her impeccable fashion sense which daily inspires Penn sorority girls as well as for her nuanced work on The Simple Life (which I think we can all agree went way downhill after Richie left the show).
The last honorary degree goes to King Bhumibol Adulyadej of Thailand for the tremendous hospitality he showed to a certain Penn professor in allowing him to investigate Thailand's, uh, astonishing culture. King Bhumibol has already received 136 honorary degrees in his illustrious lifetime. Let's make that 137.
After all, why would we want an honorary degree to actually mean anything?
Adam Goodman is a College sophomore from La Jolla, Calif. His e-mail address is goodman@dailypennsylvanian.com. A Damn Good Man appears on Wednesdays.
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