Sidebar: 'Pig Penn' transcript

Richard Rothstein: Welcome to the Pig Penn. Before we begin our show we're going to have to do a little disclaimer here so we don't get expelled. Right off the bat, UTV has no affiliation with the FCC, that's the Federal Communications Commission. We go out on a coax cable --- we're not sent out over the airwaves - to students at Penn. Therefore, we have absolutely no ethical, moral or social responsibility to anyone in the West Philadelphia community.

Vincent Fumo: So cheat, cheat on your exams.

R: Cheat on your exams. Therefore, we are not responsible for anything said on this show. This is a live call-in show.

F: Exactly. The second matter of business on this disclaimer here, is that we're not affiliated with UTV, we're not affiliated with the staff, we're not affiliated with any of the writers on the other shows, as far as writing goes, so our views and the views heard on this television program are not necessarily the views of those people in question.

Caller: Do JAPs have G spots?

Fumo: Do JAPs have G spots? That's a good question. I don't know. The ones I have been with, I don't know. I bought one a G spot vibrator. You've seen them, they kind of bend up.

Rothstein: The best sex I have ever had was definitely, definitely with Jewish women.

F: It worked. I don't know.

C: The one I had didn't have a G spot.

F: Really?

C: I was looking all day.

F: It is kind of hard to see. You kind of have to feel it.

C: I stuck my head in there.

F: You got your head in there?

C: My head and my shoulders.

F: Who is this girl? Maybe we should all go over and fuck her.

R: Make love with her.

F: Pardon me my terminology. Make love with her. Let me tell you where it is. You stick your finger in her vagina, and you move your finger up to about this area, her abdomen area. I don't know if you guys can see this or not. You probably can't. And you get it up right, about this area, on the top end.

I believe that is where it is. At least that is where it has worked out for me. Drives women crazy. You can't get your tongue up there, but your finger might work. Or a vibrator or a strap-on dildo, something of that nature.

C: What about a fire hydrant?

F: A fire hydrant? You know, I don't know, interesting women. I can't picture a Jewish woman with a vagina that wide. But you know, other women maybe.

Fumo: Zits in their pussy? That's a tough one. This guy wants to know what to do about girls with zits in their pussy. I would try to stick a pencil or something up there and pop them. I don't know. The worst thing, listen to this, is when you are eating a girl out and she just has recently gone to the bathroom and there is toilet paper stuck in her pubic hair. That's the worst, I think.

Caller: I tried Clearasil, and that gave her a rash.

F: Clearasil gave her a rash? I would not advise that. I would see a sex counselor of some sort.

C: Is Oxy better?

F: Oxy? I would go for prescription to be honest. Go see a dermatologist.

C: The puss doesn't taste too good.

Caller: How about tea-bagging?

Fumo: What is tea-bagging?

C: Think about it. Think about it.

F: What do you do? Stick a tea bag inside the girl and pour hot water in there? What happens?

Rothstein: Even though this show may be considered by some or even many to be offensive.

Fumo: Jesus, I'm fucked.

R: The bottom line is that we really believe you have to be able to laugh at yourself. The moment that you stop laughing at yourself, we really think you need help. We - Vince and myself - firmly believe that you should do whatever you want in your lives as long as it doesn't hurt yourself or anyone else. We are all making jokes. This is a big fuckin' joke, and the reason we make jokes about it is because it is funny. Life is meant to be a laugh. It is meant to have a good time. We are not hurting anyone's feelings.

F: Trying not to.

R: We're only here to have fun. If you laughed then it was a good day for us.

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