Sgt. Maureen Rush: Keeping safe, keeping it real

The “crime wave” that affected Penn’s campus last semester (it was really more of a ripple) was entirely beyond my control. Some people, bullets and armed robbers were just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

I was in bed, which is why I couldn’t prevent these crimes. Fortunately, I am proud to say that things are looking up.

Crime at Penn is down. Our admission rates have plummeted to around 17 percent. National Geographic has decided that Philadelphia is the “Next Great City,” while Elle Decor magazine has gone so far as to praise SEPTA as “smooth and extensive.”

I am proud to be at the helm of Penn’s security forces during these exciting times.

Back in the early 1980s, I worked as an undercover cop in the Philadelphia Police Department. My job was to act as bait for robbers and then kick their asses.

Unfortunately, few robbers tried to attack me. Twenty years later, it’s a pleasure to see so many Penn students doing a better job getting attacked.

Now, why is that?

Here are the reasons why, just like your case of syphilis, crime keeps coming back to campus:

- Girls: If you don’t cover that cherry, you will lose that cherry. In my 10 years in the Philadelphia Police Department, I never saw so many women pay so much money for so little clothing.

- As Michael Eric Dyson points out in his “2Pacalypse Now” lecture, “Ice Cube has melted.” Translation: Once rich-ass white kids like you stop pretending to be thugs, the thugs will stop robbing you.

- Commerce Bank, PNC Bank and Cosi: If you stopped carrying money, you wouldn’t get robbed so often, now would you?

- Popped pink collar: We all know that Motive Opportunity = Crime. So if you pop your collar, you’re telling the criminal, “I am in Wharton and I have money and I am a pussy-ass prick so I won’t put up a fight if you take my money.” Unpop that collar, pussy boy.

- What would happen to crime if we built a wall around Penn’s campus to keep out the black people? Crime would go up because it’s not black people who are perpetrating crime. It’s the Jews.

- The Jews: Zionist fascists bankroll the steady stream of cocaine to our nation’s poor neighborhoods, fueling drug-related crime activities. So it’s the Jews who are really behind this — and every — crime wave.

In light of these revelations, it seems that I’ve been right all along: Safety and security are shared responsibilities. So do your part by embracing my final solution to our crime problem.

Here it is:

_____________________

/—-___________——_____|] = = = = D

/_==o;;;;;;;;_______/

), —-.((_) /

// (..) ),

// //

//___//

Take a pair of scissors, cut it out out and take it with you everywhere you go. By doing so, you will be upholding your part of our shared responsibility pact and keeping Penn safe.

It is your responsibility to pull the trigger the next time a group of 18 five year olds tries to rob you with a butter knife.

And as long as you do, my solution — my idea — me! — Maureen Rush — I — will keep us safe.

Forever.

Maureen Rush is Penn’s top cop. She doesn’t want her e-mail address published, but you can call for her resignation by posting on our Web site. That’s for you, Fire Marshall Bill.

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