Our own anti-Tucker Max

Last week's visit by asshole/sex god Tucker Max got me thinking. If people are so entertained by Tucker's blog, where he documents his ridiculously successful sex life, people might like to hear from the anti-Tucker Max, that guy who is so incapable of getting any his computer freezes when he watches porn.

We'll call him Todd. There's a little Todd in every guy, some more than others. I'm personally guilty of doing about every stupid thing a man can do. But, without further ado, here is Todd's blog from last week:

n Wednesday, 5:01 p.m.: I just got back from Pottruck, and, boy, I could kick someone's ass! Wow I feel great, and I've got that 'real-man smell' going. I need to bottle this or something.

Damn, I wish I would have run into Kelly on the way into the Quad, though. I tried to time my return from the gym so I'd meet her as she was heading for Williams 218, but she must have snuck out early or something. Next time I'll come back at 4:30 and just kill time in the hallway until she leaves. Well whatever, I've got AC/DC pumping right now, so it's "Hell's Bells" in here, oh yeah!

n Thursday, 1 a.m.: There are 279 "single" girls "interested in men" in Ware alone, and all the guys in the Quad are nerds. The numbers don't lie -- it's just a matter of time until the Toddmeister is sending them out on stretchers.

n Thursday, 10:20 a.m.: I'm going to be late for class in Logan, but I can't leave until I shave my chest. I just hope I can make it in time to sit a few seats away from Kelly.

Tuesday I sat three seats down from her so I could talk to her as we were leaving class. But when lecture ended she went out of the row the other way and this stupid girl Sarah that lives three doors down -- with her pastel scarf, six-foot umbrella and three black coats -- wouldn't let me by. Well she'll get hers. She's so ugly; I bet she's desperate for a guy. Good. I wouldn't hook up with her if she was the last girl on earth.

n Thursday, 9:41 p.m.: That's two baby; I've been chugging Beast like crazy for the last hour, and I'm getting demolished! I can barely type this. Anyway, I need a couple more before we all head out to the frats. There's no doubt I'm getting ass tonight. I've got my popped-collar pink Polo on and everything. Drunken freshman here I come!

n Friday, 2:03 a.m.: Damnit. Nothing. And worse, that asshole Mike that lives down the hall brought a girl back. What's so special about him? He's a total jock moron. All he does is talk about football. Don't girls realize he's a loser?

If they would just give me a chance they'd see how much cooler I am. Well, whatever, I'm turning on the Rocky soundtrack now; I have the eye of the tiger, and I will kill to survive.

n Friday, 11:10 p.m.: OK, now we're talking. I invited the whole hall to my single at 11:30 to pregame. I've got like three handles of Banker's Club; this is going to be sweet! I left two notes under Kelly's door so she knows about it. Zeppelin is already going. It's going to be a good night.

n Saturday, 12:01 a.m.: Where the hell is everyone?

n Saturday, 10:47 p.m.: Screw those guys I thought were my friends. Who needs them? The good news is that Max the SpectaGuard told me that that there's a party at AEPi tonight. Even better, I just found out that Sarah is supposed to come. I mean, she's not great but whatever. I have time to go after the hot girls later. At least she's a guaranteed catch.

n Sunday, 2:55 p.m.: This is ridiculous. I mean why the hell wouldn't Sarah hook up with me last night? I pretended to listen to her, I had the Polo on, I told her about my Benz, I got her a bunch of drinks so I know she had to be really drunk. What do I have to do? Goddamn women's liberation comes along and now they all think they have licenses to be bitches.

n Monday, 4:49 p.m.: Penn sucks. There isn't one hot girl on this campus. I mean if I were at a state school where the girls aren't so stuck-up and ugly I'd be swinging. I really don't want any of these trolls here, but what else can I do? Todd has to get some. At least in four years, when I get that I-banking job in the City, it's going to be a whole new ballgame. Look out, New York! I'll just have to deal until then. Damn, it's almost 5 p.m. and Kelly's about to leave for Spanish 130, so I have to run.

It's Todd time.

Alex Weinstein is a junior history major from Bridgeport, W.V. Straight to Hell appears on Thursdays.

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