The real answer to Penn's application

We all had to write it. It was like taking a square suppository, but if you wanted to get into Penn, you had to write Essay 5a.

"Describe the courses of study and the unique characteristics of the University of Pennsylvania that most interest you. Why do these interests make you a good match for Penn?"

Whatever we did write, one thing is for certain -- it was almost completely, grade-A, prime, unpasteurized and unfiltered, glorious bullshit.

There was really no way around that fact, and it was painful to have to be so explicit, but the Admissions Office and Dean Lee Stetson clearly wanted to read that kind of response. Here is what we all wanted to write, and I challenge any prospective student with the brass rocks that none of us had to submit it this fall.

"The first part of that question is difficult for me to answer.

"I have only done minimal research about the University (which one is this essay for again?). I am in high school, after all, which means I'd much rather be at football games and weekend parties, speeding on the interstates and chasing 14-year-old freshmen girls than doing actual work.

"Reading up on the Penn Bio program is not exactly conducive to getting ass, and it's boring as hell to boot. Can't you people come up with a decent essay topic? 'My hero is ...' is more creative.

"I really don't have many so-called interests other than those I just detailed (I padded my extracurriculars -- three times a week in a nursing home? Yeah right).

"But maybe I'm being unfair on myself because I did do a little research about Penn. I would like to be a history major. The Princeton Review book says that history majors have by far the least amount of work of anyone on campus. They get to 'go out every night.'

"That sounds like the ticket, doesn't it?

"I don't know why anyone applies to be an engineer. How stupid can you be?

"As for Penn's unique characteristics, I can answer that part of the question with conviction. I first became interested in Penn when I learned that it wasn't Penn State.

"How about a name change here? I don't want people thinking I go to some ratty state school. Anyway, Penn is in the Ivy League, which means'cha-ching' for me in a couple of years. I'd just love to have that little Penn logo on my diploma. It means no matter how bad my GPA is, I'll still get more looks than the guy from Ohio State. (You're doing that for me now, since I went to a private school, right?) I can see my Lexus already.

"Penn is in Philadelphia, and I'm excited about that. I have been a Phillies fan all my life, but I'm sick of only being able to watch them on television when they play the Braves.

"I'll probably only be able to go to games during the school week though -- I don't want to miss getting loaded before parties on the weekends.

"I am also a huge cheesesteak guy. This crap they have in my town that they call a cheesesteak -- well, it isn't a cheesesteak. I hear people get drunk and high and then take cabs down to Pat's. I'd definitely be down for that.

"Penn's location in West Philly will help alleviate my racial prejudices. I will try to give out some of my parents' money to the homeless, as long as they promise not to hurt me, and if they buy me a bottle of Jack when they buy themselves one.

"I also hear that there are a lot of Asians and Indians at Penn, and I have never really talked to these kinds of people before. I might consider doing that if I get in.

"I hope you will accept my early decision application to Penn. I really don't want to get deferred and be forced to write 10 more pointless essays like this one for other colleges' applications.

"When deciding on my application, please don't take into account that my parents haven't donated money to Penn. Enclosed in this envelope, however, is a check made out to 'cash.' I stole a few dollars from my dad when he was napping.

"If you happen to deposit it later today, and if it pushes my application along a little, I don't think anyone will say anything.

"P.S. I better get in."

Alex Weinstein is a junior history major from Bridgeport, W.V. Straight to Hell appears on Thursdays.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.