Living up to Ben Franklin's real legacy

Submitted to the Penn Humanities Forum's "If Ben Had Had His Way" essay contest:

I did a lot of research and really think that I have a good shot of winning the $1,000. I'd better, since that's the only reason I researched Ben's life anyway.

Sorry to turn it in late, but I was busy attending all the celebrations for Ben's birthday. There are not many times that Colonial impersonators will wander from the Liberty Bell all the way to West Philly, so I had to take advantage of it.

Plus, after my friends and I took 300 shots to celebrate Ben's 300th birthday, I needed a few days to recuperate.

Hope you enjoy my celebration of the Big Man's birth!

"If Ben had had his way, Penn would be a lot like it is already, with just a few modifications.

First of all, the University would focus primarily on Ben's favorite subjects, of which there were many. Printing, Astrology, Science and Politics would replace Wharton, Nursing, Engineering and the College.

Language use would be encouraged (as you know, Ben spoke five!) with special emphasis on French -- with a focus on pickup lines. If you know how to speak French, you might end up as a minister to France, which we all know is a sweet deal. Work it like Ben and you can become a fashionable French socialite in between political meetings.

If Ben really had had his way, I imagine he would go back and patent all his inventions, then require their general use by the student body. These inventions would include, among others, the Franklin stove, the glass harmonica, the library chair, the long-reach device, swim fins, bifocals and the ever-useful lightning rod.

If you think this measure is unfair, consider that many professors assign their own books as mandatory reading for their students.

Instead of PennCash or Dining Dollars, Ben would probably want his image circulating around campus. After all, he printed the first American money on his printing press. He would want to stick with the national currency.

As a result, the only money accepted on Penn's campus would become $100 bills (also known as 'Benjamins') and half-dollars coined between 1948 and 1964. The $1,000 series EE savings bonds would work as well.

Besides all this focus on education, Ben would want students to have fun and learn about their country, too. For historical purposes, the Bridge Theater would show the movie 1776 every Thursday night for only $3.

The reasoning behind this choice is threefold. First, the story follows Ben and his best buddies at the Constitutional Convention. Second, it is a lively musical from 1972. Third, Ben understands pop culture, and would know that every Penn student would enjoy watching the actor who played Mr. Feeney on Boy Meets World singing and dancing in breeches and a tri-cornered hat.

Soon Penn students would be walking around campus singing, 'Piddle, twiddle and resolve/ Nothing's ever solved in/ Foul, fetid, fuming, foggy, filthy Philadelphia!'

It never hurts to get a little perspective on the advantages of modern plumbing and air conditioning. We wouldn't even have street lighting or paved streets without Ben's influence. Plus, through the film we would learn to appreciate our modern culture that allows tank tops and board shorts instead of petticoats and powdered wigs during sweltering Philadelphia summers.

Ben would also respect the students' right to party. He would not care about the drinking age on campus. Beer, ale and a general good time would be fine by him. Ben would support the thriving Greek life and would also encourage 'fraternization,' so to speak, with the opposite sex. Monogamy wouldn't be too important to him.

That said, Ben is no fool. Birth control would be mandatory for all students. You don't want to end up with an illegitimate Loyalist son. This just complicates the nuclear family structure.

Ben once said, 'either write things worthy of reading or do things worth the writing.' In light of this comment, I have decided to put this essay to rest. Instead I will spend the next week sitting with Ben on the bench on 38th. I'll be there waiting for my check."

Anna Hartley is a sophomore comparative literature and French major from Palo Alto, Calif. Penn's Annatomy appears on Tuesdays.

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