Bringing parties back to campus

In one of my favorite Simpsons episodes, Homer goes to the DMV to get a chauffeur's driver's license. But during his driving exam, Aunts Patty and Selma take off points for every little error he makes and, soon enough, Homer fails his driving exam.

At Penn, we have the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Affairs and the Office of Alcohol Policy Initiatives to fill Patty and Selma's role.

Why? On-campus registered events have decreased 61 percent since the 1999 debut of the current system for party registration on campus. Last November, The Daily Pennsylvanian interviewed alcohol policy officials to try to explain the decline. They mentioned every possible explanation -- fewer party hosts on campus and off-campus venues, among others -- except the real reason.

The real reason for the 61 percent decline is that the rules regarding registered on-campus events are too unreasonable and too strictly enforced by the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Affairs to allow for a fun party atmosphere. As a result, more and more fraternities throw unregistered events and don't bother with Patty and Selma coming over and ruining the fun.

Consider the following guidelines for registered events:

n No open containers. No cups. No open bottled beers. Hence, also, no flip cup, no beer pong, no nothing.

n No hard liquor. No Jello shots. No mixed drinks.

n Hosts must hire bartenders and bouncers out of their own pocket, even if they could easily fill these roles themselves.

n No alcohol other than what's being served at the bar. Read: Beast, Beast and more Beast.

n No private gatherings at the party. If Patty and Selma find you, there's hell to pay.

n Is it 1 a.m. already? Stop serving alcohol, even though your registered event ends at 2.

And, likely coming soon, the following rule:

n No beverage other than apple juice in sealed containers may be given to party guests because alcohol is too dangerous.

Obviously, these rules are draconian at best. They were most recently crafted by the Alcohol Response Team with one concern in mind: liability.

It's all about minimizing the University's liability. And what better way to do so than to overcompensate for incidents of the past by passing such unreasonable party guidelines and enforcing them like Aunts Patty and Selma do at the DMV?

Moreover, these guidelines indicate how little the alcohol policy makers think of Penn students. To them, we are not responsible, mature young adults. We're children who can't drink responsibly and therefore need to be told, de facto, what to drink (cheap beer), how much (four cans or less) and when to stop (1 a.m.).

The biggest losers of these policies, of course, are the students. Faced with the lame party atmosphere as well as the unreasonable costs and constant scrutiny of such registered events, many fraternities have decided to just bypass the system and throw unregistered parties.

If the University were to make its policies somewhat more reasonable -- by allowing open containers, lengthening the amount of time that drinks can be served, and allowing hosts to contribute their own alcohol and serve it at the bar -- students would be better off.

Fraternities and other hosts would have less of an incentive to throw underground, unregistered parties, at which it is much more difficult for Penn to ensure a safe environment.

Not surprisingly, though, the University won't budge. When parties are held off campus, the University is not liable -- and despite the unsafe atmosphere of these parties, the University is happy because the shift decreases its liability.

Therefore, there is no incentive for the University to change the rules.

For example, last year, the Inter-Fraternity Council tried to convince the University to lengthen the alcohol-serving period by a half hour, until at least 1:30 a.m. Former IFC President Spencer Scharff said, "Since a registered party is already a safe environment, I didn't see a reason why people couldn't enjoy alcohol in a safe environment for a half hour longer."

Me neither. But the proposal failed and, sadly, similar proposals will likely fail in the future since, for the University, this is a matter of liability, not student welfare.

How selfish.

Obviously, it is impossible to eliminate all risk in throwing a party, but that doesn't mean that Penn students should be treated like children when it comes to alcohol policy. There needs to be a balance between the two so that incentives can be aligned between students and policymakers.

And, for better or for worse, until that balance is restored, Penn students have little choice but to leave Patty and Selma off the guest list.

Cezary Podkul is a junior philosophy major from Franklin Park, Ill. Return of the Salad appears on Tuesdays.

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