Giving classes a real evaluation

It's the last week of class, so you know what that means. Semester-long research projects you just started suddenly become more important than Office of Health Education propaganda posters reminding you to sleep. You see a mirage of a queen-size bed in Rosengarten at 3 a.m. Poof! It turns back into the SpectaGuard. The Virgin Mary went into labor in December, you think -- I suppose I can take a little suffering too.

And at some point this week, your teachers will pass out a Scantron feedback sheet, after fumbling through a desperate, clumsy plea for validation. "I hope I stimulated you enough," they'll say, before leaving the room. "I hope I made it hard enough for you."

It's a shame we don't have to fill out these forms every time a relationship ends because the questions are pretty much the same. You would get a sheet and a golf pencil. Was the overall quality of this person a 2 or a 3? Did you do a 3 or a 4 amount of work? Were you properly stimulated? Did you enjoy the oral examinations?

Sure I did, you'd say, darkening the various Scantron ovals. Shortly thereafter, the Penn Course Review would change it's name to the Penn Whores' Review. And then the University would probably make national news for the second time in a week.

Of course, if we were filling out the forms every time a fling ended, it'd be much easier to rate our professors. Should you be honest with that American History TA ... or let the Tricky Dick lectures slide? Did the relationship with your Economics professor just taper off because your demand curve shifted -- or was there really nothing there to begin with? Did you feel like your calculus professor and you were never speaking the same language?

I always feel like the University's feedback form does not aptly describe the relationships I have with my professors, which is why I decided to totally redo it in terms of things I can understand. I hope these questions more accurately describe what needs to be said. Please fill them out and pass this column out to all of your teachers.

And now, the disclaimer which apparently I have to say: Please remember to use a Number 2 pencil. Answer all questions to the best of your abilities -- it will help your teachers better restructure courses in future years. And please don't be afraid that your teachers will read anything incriminating you say and fail your ass straight out of Penn. If you are expelled for what you write, I am sure Alan Kors will come to your defense.

1. Pick one to describe the course: Mission Impossible, Dumb and Dumber, Scream, As Good As It Gets

2. Pick one to describe the professor: The Nutty Professor, Coming to America, 2 Fast 2 Furious, The 40-Year-Old Virgin

3. College junior Emily Buzzell would ask, "If you saw your professor naked, on a scale of 1 to 4, what would be your level of repulsion?"

4. On a scale of 1 to 4, how desperate would you need to be to stimulate your professor's interest, instead of the other way around?

5. On a ratio scale 1:x(1-x), how much more doodling did you do over taking real notes?

6. Wharton freshman Erik Hickman asks, "Would you recommend this course to A major? A minor? Ab Major? A diminished? B# Augmented?"

7. On a scale of 1 to 4, what was the value of the assigned readings? On a scale of 1 to 10, what was the value of the assigned readings? How 'bout 1 to 100?

8. If you answered 3 or 4 on question seven, did you do any of the assigned readings?

9. Please draw a Venn Diagram, using the following phrases: class, doing Sudoku.

10. As far as you know, did any cheating take place in the class? Bribes? Illegal adoptions? Assigned readings?

11. Pick one to describe your relationship with you teacher: I Wanna Hold Your Hand, Help!, Helter Skelter, We Can Work it Out. 12. If you had to compare your class attendance to a major disaster, which would it be: a famine, a drought or a sinkhole?

13. If a disaster struck, and the future of the Earth depended on you repopulating the planet with your professor, would the human race die out?

Remember, all feedback will be appreciated. Send me your answers, and I'll pass them along to the right people. Happy finals, y'all!

Melody Joy Kramer is a senior English major from Cherry Hill, N.J. Perpendicular Harmony appears on Wednesdays.

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