A lesson in procrastination

Classes end today. Finals begin next week. And if you're reading this, you're not studying. If you're not reading this, you're psychic -- but still not studying.

Either way, I salute you -- because in an Adderall Age, procrastination has become a virtue. A noble struggle against a wired and scheduled world. A defiant rejection of the Kaplan Culture of competition. A raised finger to an entire industry -- one that says, "Hey, Princeton, I'll review when I'm damn well ready."

And that's the beauty of procrastination: You're never ready just yet.

"One more DP article," you say, "and then I'll hit the books." But we all know there's always one more. Another episode of Law and Order, another bag of chips, another AIM conversation. And the next thing you know, you're reading an Op-Ed article about your inability to stop reading an Op-Ed article.

Deep.

And certainly that is another truth: We often attribute depth to our procrastination, telling ourselves that whatever we're doing is studying -- however unconventional. Law and Order becomes a mental workout. Madden becomes a lesson in time-management. And a newspaper becomes a repository of vital data. As if somehow this article will contain the trivial info. you need to answer the English exam's third question about the rise of metatextuality in 21st century column writing. As if this very next word will be the one you need, will be it.

It is ironic, then, that we often expend more energy procrastinating than we ever would in completing the task at hand. Hell, right now, I'm struggling not to make a point in this column, not to touch on an issue. And it isn't easy.

"How much longer can I put off getting to the point?" I asked Undergraduate Assembly Chairwoman Rachel Fersh in an e-mail, seeking procrastination guidance. "How can I continue discoursing on procrastination without actually doing so?"

"I could say [something] that would be funny," she offered, citing the truism about procrastination's similarities to a similar-sounding auto-erotic activity. "But I'm not sure if you want to use that, and I'm also not positive I'd really like it to be my quote."

"Well, instead, could you provide me with suggestions about where this column should go from here?" I asked. "I think it would be funny if you were to suggest where the column should go in the column itself."

"There's only one real option," she replied. "I've been active at this University for the past four years; I've served on sub-committees and task forces, governing bodies and councils, and through it all I have learned one indisputable fact: Every undergraduate conversation leads back to sex."

"Well, now this one has, as well. ... Hmm. Could you say something about procrastination so that I don't have to yet?"

"I fully believe that procrastination is part of the college experience," she answered. "Hell, I'm procrastinating by writing this. Just don't tell the administrator I'm supposed to be writing instead."

"Thanks."

"I don't know if that helps, but feel free to use any or all of it. Good luck finishing up."

Finishing up? I'm not even close -- I've only written 500 words thus far. I have at least 150 to go. And I can't stop eating Golden Grahams. What can I write for 150 words when I'd rather push off writing altogether?

"To say something while saying nothing I usually just add large words, repetitive points, and ellipses ..." said David Diesenhouse, chairman of the Nominations and Elections Committee.

"I mean those sequences of spherical punctuation marks. Further expounding on the aforementioned ... ah, screw it. Just go troll Facebook for an hour and pretend that knowing the members of the group 'LC Rules Laguna Beach' is somehow important to your life."

"Thanks."

"So, that was my attempt to be funny, although I realize it should probably be left to professionals," Diesenhouse added.

Professionals? What an idea.

"Provost Ron Daniels," I wrote to Daniels Wednesday. "You're a professional whose very job is to monitor students' academic progress. Do you want to make a point about procrastination before I finish this thing?"

"I would love to," he said. "Great idea. I will get to it. Soon."

"Really?"

"Sometime."

Gabriel Oppenheim is a College freshman from Scarsdale, N.Y. Opp-Ed appears on Fridays.

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