Rosenhaus' new gig: Alito

Super-agent Drew Rosenhaus, who stood beside Terrell Owens at his driveway press conference last week, called me shortly thereafter. "Yo, Mel," he said, after we exchanged pleasantries. "Football's been rough these days and I've made some bad decisions. I think I'm gonna branch into a couple of new projects."

"Drew," I said. "You mean you're not going to be an agent anymore?"

"Well," he said. "Not exactly. Basically, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what's going on with T.O. these days. Consider the following: He's spent a lot of time warming the bench lately. He has a lot of experience with contracts. He's quite familiar with large checks and balances, as well as oral arguments. And many of his decisions are without precedent."

"What's that have to do with new projects, Drew?" I asked, baffled.

"I'm changing teams, Mel," he said. "The more I thought about T.O., the more I realized that I want to represent the Supreme Court nominees instead of football players. They're basically the same thing."

"You what?"

"Think about it Mel," he said. "It's hard to become a Supreme Court justice these days, what with the background checks and literacy requirements. Either they think you're a partisan hack with absolutely no qualifications or you're kicked off for celebrating your 100th brief. It's just not fair.

"But if you're the first pick in the Supreme Court draft, you need to know how to play the game. You shouldn't have to navigate the halls of justice alone and you shouldn't settle for anything less than you deserve.

"Remember Ruth Bader Ginsberg's contract back in the '90s? It was a mess and she knows it. She coulda been the star player on the court and now there's not a damn thing she can do about it. Leader in contract law, my ass! She would have at least had a signing bonus, with the potential to increase her wages with a half-decent season and a Nike contract. The ball was in her court. Instead, she got nothing.

"I'm going to work with Alito, Mel. I'm going to school him in the wily ways of Senate confirmation hearings. I want him to get a lifetime contract with the option of increasing his salary strictly based on performance. I want him to have an all-out celebration every time he delivers an oral argument He's the star. Not Roberts. Alito's gonna get the Pepsi contract."

"Drew," I said. "Can I ask you a question first? Did you do anything for Harriet Miers besides get her kicked off the Supreme Court?"

He ignored me.

"You just don't waltz into a Senate Judiciary hearing without going through the motions," he said. "That would be akin to negotiating for pennies. No, Alito and I are going to do this right. We're going to sit down and create his entire image. You know, the Supreme Court has been losing for a couple of years now."

"The Supreme Court can't lose," I said. "They're not a team."

"No, no, Mel." he said. "They're losing their image. No one's buying Supreme Court robes to wear anymore. No one wants David Souter action figures. Scalia's deal with Adidas just fell through. I'm going to position Alito so that he can answer all their questions. We're going to do a mock interview. Hear me out, I'll show you a couple. You can pretend you're Alito."

"OK, Drew." I said.

"Now Mel," he said. "What's your position on the flat tax?"

"My position on the flat tax? Well, uh, I don't like to change precedent but then on the other hand..."

"Mel, you're killing me." he said. "You waver like that and the Republicans aren't gonna wanna give you a contract. The Dems aren't gonna want you on their team. You're gonna be getting down to the last minute. You need to make your position clear."

"So what do I say?" I said. "You're the agent."

"Damn right I'm the agent." he said. "You're going to look them right in the eye. You're going to eye the entire damn table. You're the man. No one's got what you have. Your answer is what's gonna make or break you. And you're thinking to yourself "It's game time, baby!" So you open your mouth, and you say:

"Next question."

"Jeez, Drew," I said. "Do you also work with the White House?"

Melody Joy Kramer is a senior English major from Cherry Hill, N.J. Perpendicular Harmony appears on Wednesdays.

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