Penn's newest health club

From: Facilities

To: All Penn Parents

Re: New Facilities and Office of Health Education Joint Project

Dear Penn Parent, We're not perfect, but who is? For example, last semester's Project 1751, designed to refit the dormitories with 1751-style living arrangements, was a royal disaster. But we're not denying it, at least not after the legal brouhaha. Never, in fact, have we received so many parcels from you threatening lawsuits. Eventually we just stopped reading the depositions and put the indictments in our coal-burning stove, for fuel. And I suppose we have to thank you all, in that respect. Never has Facilities had a warmer winter.

One particularly choice letter came from a set of parents in Cherry Hill, N.J., dated, oddly enough, from this past week. "I cannot believe you took away our daughter's hot water," Robyn and Neil Kramer wrote. "She has been without hot water for a week. Does tuition not cover hot water? Do you know how bad our daughter's hair looks when she takes two-minute showers? Do you even care that she looks like a cross between Isaac Hayes and Cousin It?"

The truth is Facilities does care about the personal appearance of every student we have in our dormitories. And maybe that's our problem, that we care a little bit too much. If each one of your children were to live every day with heat and lighting and running water, they wouldn't appreciate it when it was gone, now would they? In the real world, people don't have heat and running water and lighting, at least if they're English majors. We're trying to ease them in gently.

In fact, the student who lost hot water was truly blessed. She was one of the first students at Penn lucky enough to test out a new pilot program we've recently developed with the Office of Health Education in order to make students healthier and fit for the real world.

You see, this student -- we'll call her Mel -- has been suffering under a mountain of midterms and papers recently. And it shows, because recently, she's really let herself go. We'll put it nicely: If Mel were to rub her thighs together, she could probably reproduce Ben Franklin's original electricity experiment and power all of the dorms herself, using thigh power alone. And while that may be a lovely way to celebrate his 300th birthday, it's no way to attract potential mates (and alumni donors!).

We at Facilities want all of our students to be healthy so that they will live long, productive lives in order to provide endowments for buildings that (fingers crossed!) won't be condemned. Which is why we've selected certain Franklinesque fatties and enrolled them in our new Facilities exercise course.

Your student may have already been enrolled in one of programs without realizing it. If enrolled, students will immediately lose elevator access in the high rises. All three high rises will be affected, depending on how many fatties are in the building. The recent slow elevators in Harnwell and the recent malfunctions in Hamilton will continue as long as we feel students are above their maximum weight. Nothing will teach you to lose those pounds like climbing 400 stairs each time you forget your keys, lardass.

Of course, we will also be taking away hot water. Ice-cold showers have been shown to jump-start the circulatory system. And after the shower, your student will most definitely be able to relax in her bedroom, which, depending on our whims, will either feel like an ice-cold bath or a sauna. Consider it a spa treatment, all at no additional cost to you!

Running water will turn off and on, depending on whether or not students are dehydrated from climbing stairs. Flooding may occur. This is normal and indicates that students should feel free to don a Speedo and paddle around. Synchronized-swimming lessons will be provided in the Quad and the Harrison computer lab, for all who ask.

How will we know if our program is effective? You may have thought those gates in the dorms were there as a security measure. You were wrong. These gates are where daily weigh-ins will occur, without students' knowledge.

At the end of the month, we will judge whether students have lost weight. If so, all utilities will be fully turned on for the winter months. And if not, prepare your child for a long, cold winter. At least they'll be fairly insulated.

Sincerely,

Facilities

Melody Joy Kramer is a senior English major from Cherry Hill, N.J. Perpendicular Harmony appears on Wednesdays.

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