What you really mean to Penn

Congratulations Class of 2009! You, as you probably know, are the smartest class to ever set foot on this campus. Why back in my day, if you could read at a fifth-grade level and count to 10, you were admitted and made a Benjamin Franklin Scholar. But now, they're looking for at least high-school algebra. And possibly a multinational conglomerate that you founded at the age of 12.

But I'm imagining not all of you are Olympic figure skaters or authors of best-selling memoirs about your childhood in the gulag. Possibly a few of you new folks are just as flabbergasted as I was, back in the day. You're wondering, "What the hell am I doing here? How did I get into Penn?"

What you don't realize, though, is that Penn has no idea why you are here, either. You see, last winter, Penn realized that they couldn't handle the massive amount of applications flooding the admissions office in such a short amount of time.

Like many universities around the country, they decided to outsource. But instead of going to Asia like the rest of the Ivy League, Penn decided to hit up Dumbledore (Wharton Class of 1912) and have Hogwarts deal with the glut of applicants. After all, one of Dumbledore's Sorting Hats could effectively replace every admissions officer at Penn and leave room in the budget for heat in Harnwell!

Just by chance, I stumbled across this "Sorting Hat" while sifting through Amy Gutmann's Dumpster on Walnut Street. This is what I heard:

Two hundred years ago or more, When I was newly knit, There lived four schools of renown, Honored for their wit.

Proud Wharton valued money, The Nurses wanted to cure, Engineers always had the brains, Those in the College were unsure.

By nursing, the bravest were, And most worthy of admission. And power-hungry Wharton, Loved those who loved ambition.

Those in Engineering, Were certainly quite smart, And those who were in the College, Decided to study a liberal art.

But regardless of their specialty, The four schools had a thread, That bound them all together, And allowed their wit to spread.

This thread was their alumni, Who laid a strong foundation, And allowed these schools to multiply, With every large donation.

So cherish your short time here, Make the most of your four years. Don't worry about an internship, Or picking a career.

Take a class outside your major, Maybe do the econ scream, Have a shag under the button, Go to Wawa for caffeine.

In October call your parents, And say the thing that parents dread, "Mom and Dad, I'm an English major-- I'm no longer a pre-med."

Volunteer and study, Invent or play a sport, Become an investment banker, Nicknamed Voldemort.

But regardless of what you study, Whether it be Spanish or sums, In four years you'll be the next Class of Penn alums.

And keep in mind this, young one, We don't care what you do, As long as you give back to Penn, You'll wear the Red and Blue.

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