Getrichquick.com

I've been around Whartonites long enough to know that the big bucks are not to be made pumping out a weekly column. And to be honest, I've been running a little loose with the cash flow lately. A little loose, actually, would be putting it nicely -- between the books and the school supplies and the weekly tithe to the Senior Class Gift Drive, I was practically ready to plunk down in front of College Hall last week with a guitar case and my trombone and play some sultry Penn Band licks for pennies.

But that probably wouldn't work -- the trombone doesn't really make people feel particularly charitable, especially when I do scales. For a moment, I considered donating my eggs to one of those couples seeking an Ivy League donor -- but realized that my entire genetic code would probably be a turn-off. I even considered trying to find my own sugar-daddy Ivy League donor, with an ad on Craig's List. I got some bizarre e-mails suggesting all sorts of shenanigans, but there always seemed to be a catch.

I was three seconds away from signing up for round-the-clock MRI scans and the removal of my right kidney when I saw the advertisement for some Web site a couple of Penn students started. And then another one, for a different Web site. And then a third. Then I heard that the founders of thefacebook.com just received $10 million from a venture capital firm, for little more than showing people who their friends were at school. Pretty simple, when you think about it. Maybe, I mused, my classmates were onto something.

But I have no investors right now for my project, roughly entitled "FindMelAJob.com," which is why I'm presenting my "Guide to Making a Web Site at Penn" to you. And when you strike it rich making your own Web site-cum-business-cum-resume enhancer, you'll know who to thank ... with stock options.

1. Come up with a really good idea.

The first step is to come up with a really good idea. Hooking up with random college students? That's so last week. Solving secret codes to win fast cash? Ha, that's been done. Creating a secret database of the sexual prowess of 100 Penn sophomore girls? Now we're talking. Try to think of the following items and see how many you can put on your Web site: sex, hookups, code-breaking, book-selling, food delivery. The more the better. If you make a Web site where people solve codes to buy books and have sex, you've hit the trifecta.

2. Better yet, base your Web site on a pre-existing idea.

On second thought, there's really no point in coming up with something original these days. If you recall from a recent Daily Pennsylvanian article, College freshmen Allison Karic and Scott Becker, who started "The Web Site Formerly Known As Whatevericanget.com" to help students find some ass, based their idea on those random crush e-mails you used to get in junior high.

The guys behind The Quest Agency, a Web site where you crack codes to win cash prizes, started it based on Internet-wide cryptography puzzles. Practically everyone with a book-selling Web site based it on amazon.com. And the guys behind The Four Horsemen, a "secret" Web site that rates the tits and ass of current sophomores at Penn, based their Web site on the fact that they're assholes. Next time you want to start a secret Web site, gentlemen, how 'bout making sure it's password-protected, 'K?

3. Speaking of Four Horsemen, keep your new Web site on the DL for maximum exposure.

There's no point in starting a new Web site unless you're going to let everyone know about it, and this includes the crazy Lyndon LaRouche supporter out on College Green. Sure, you could slip flyers under everyone's door, like The Quest Agency did. Or you could advertise with a fake party on thefacebook.com, like Allison and Scott did. Unless, of course, your Web site is secret, in which case you won't want to advertise. You wouldn't want anyone to know that in your charter, you say "To be named an honorary horseman, the member must add 20 names and information to the database and have all four of the horsemen tended to within a six-week window."

4. Make sure anyone can access this Web site.

The Quest Agency makes you solve two puzzles before getting into its main site. The hookup site requires an e-mail address. The Horsemen? All you need is a little time on your hands and Google cache.

Unfortunately, I've run out of the liquid assets that would be necessary to make my own Four Horsemen-like site. The venture capital firm funding my column was recently indicted, making it all but impossible to start one up. But if you see me playing my trombone outside on the Green, drop in a penny or two. Unless you're one of the Four Horsemen.Melody Joy Kramer is a senior English major from Cherry Hill, N.J. Perpendicular Harmony appears on Wednesdays.

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