Revealing a source

You may not have been aware of this, but Karl Rove has been one of my top secret sources since I became a columnist for The Daily Pennsylvanian. Rove, who I've referred to in previous columns as either a white male unaffiliated with the university or by name and position (accidentally, of course), has filled me in on everything from the names of CIA undercover agents to what the real story is behind Wharton.

I didn't intend to discredit Wharton by revealing to the general public that it was, in fact, a front for a number of students trying to capitalize on the revaluation of the yuan. In fact, I thought that was public knowledge. I now know that revealing such information about our business school is a crime, and can be considered treason during a time of war. And I apologize for that.

But now that the special prosecutor's subpoenaed my notes from the past year, I have no choice but to hand them over. I'm just not cut out for prison, even if it is the Martha Stewart kind. And since I've now blown Karl's cover to avoid spending time at any incarcerated facility, there's no use in covering up any more of his secrets either. Here is the first look at the other information Karl gave me that didn't show up (yet) in The Daily Pennsylvanian:

Mel,

This is Karl Rove, your top secret source. That means that even if you have to pull a Judith Miller by going to jail where you will write the first chapters of your almost-certain bestseller that will make you millions upon your release, you have to protect me because I will not come forward, even if these e-mails do leak. And remember, ix-nay on the secret ops-yay while the grand jury is on the ase-cay. And don't tell anyone about women's underwear thing. My boxers were chafing, I swear.

Before I reveal any more secrets to you, I think we need to discuss what you're going to call me in your column. I don't really like anonymous. It's too blah. What about (unnamed) White House official? That gives me a little more cred, if you know what I mean, and leads people to think that yeah, this shit's really accurate, that this dude really knows what he's talking about.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get to the good stuff, the classified stuff. I've got a '92 Volvo station wagon with 100,000 miles just asking for a little TLC on the belts. Oh, you meant the other kind of classified stuff. Well, let's get it started in here missy, cause I have lots of that, too.

First, here is a list of high-ranking Democratic officials that I think suck and should be castrated in the media. Oh, the word is castigated? Well, either way works for me. Actually, let's rephrase. We'll call them, um, members of the opposing party who have maybe said that the current administration has misrepresented intelligence findings regarding weapons of mass destruction to justify war against Iraq. That is so false, Mel. We are like, totally justified.

Oh, you don't want a list of names? We can't slander people we don't like just for the hell of it? Who knew! I'll take back everything I said about John Edwards, I swear. Let me think, then, what else can Mr. Rove give you, Miss Kramer? You probably already knew about the...[cut for space]...regarding North Korea, the CIA and Ross from Friends.

Actually, did I say classified? I meant um, people we don't like and need to say bad things about to make them lose their jobs so they can't go looking through our shifty planning for the war. No, it's not treason, Mel, to reveal this stuff in op-ed columns so that any ole Joe in Al-Qaeda can look it up. Hell, this stuff's probably on the Internet already -- just like the Downing Street Memo. It's not treason at all. Constitution? Constitution, my ass.

What do you want? A list of where the weapons of mass destruction are located in Iraq? You want straight answers from the current administration about why we're in Iraq in the first place? Oh, I can't tell you that, Melody. That's what we call classified.

Love and kisses,

KR

Melody Joy Kramer is a junior English major from Cherry Hill, N.J. Perpendicular Harmony appears on Wednesdays.

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