It's a tough time to be a university president these days. Either you're saying too much, like Harvard's Larry "Innate Differences" Summers, or you're not saying anything, a la Penn's Amy Gutmann.
But instead of looking back, it is time for the University to look to the future for a new president with a new incredibly vague vision.
With that, we have a few suggestions of who can skipper the ship that is Penn from excellence to eminence, whatever the hell that means.
First, the University must select someone with incredible knowledge of what students want. Therefore, we suggest the hiring of Tom Kurland, co-director of SPEC Concerts. Mr. Kurland has been proven that he has his finger on the pulse of Penn's campus by selecting such popular groups as Sonic Youth and the even more popular Cat Power to perform on campus. With Kurland at the helm, the University will be sure to suck.
Moreover, Penn's next president should be a man or woman of action. The members of GET-UP, the University's graduate students hoping to unionize, would all make excellent candidates. They have already demonstrated their ability to disrupt and annoy with their extremely crippling strike last year. Penn's graduate students showed an ability to take a stand on important issues this year when they so bravely passed a motion against the menace that is Taco Bell. However, Penn's graduate students do not come without fault. Most notably, they lack any sense of reality.
The Board of Trustees would also be wise to select a president who is eager to interact with students. We suggest they look to one of those annoying environmentalists who frequently harass passers-by on Locust Walk and outside the Freshgrocer. Peggy Curchack of Career Services would also be a wise decision. While she does not annoy students at the street level, let's just say that she produces more spam than Hormel Foods.
But the more we think about it, one person seems to stand out more than any other -- Hemo. The food truck owner has not only shown an uncanny ability to satisfy all three requirements we previously outlined, but he can also produce a tasty sandwich. His ability to create not one but two different Hemo sauces has won him numerous honors within the scholarly community. Penn would be wise to hire such an innovative man. At the very least, the food would be better.
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