A Spring Fling primer

For those of you reading this while sitting in a classroom, I am so sorry. Signing up for a Friday class -- Wait a minute, I've used this introduction already this semester. Damn!

Really though, what are you doing in class? Furthermore, why are you in class and still able to see straight enough to read this? In case you've forgotten somehow, this is just any old Friday. This is Fling. If anything, you should be completely out of it and attending a friend's class instead. Or better still, no class at all. Best, of course, would be no class with a trip to Ben and Jerry's.

But if you're unfortunate enough to be in class and your fun hasn't started yet, I suggest you start playing a little game as soon as you get out. It's something we've come up with over the past week, and it's called, "The Official* DP Spring Fling Drinking Game." Cheers!

To start, every time you see someone reading this, take a drink. While it may be technically impossible to see yourself reading something, feel free to include yourself in this category anyway.

And every time someone complains about Sonic Youth, take a drink -- you're gonna need it.

Any time you hear someone genuinely excited about hearing Sonic Youth, down the glass.

Every time you see a person of authority look the other way, take a drink and smile.

Every time someone complains about how much work he has to do, pour your drink on him. We all do.

But if you're taking the MCAT this weekend, be sure to have a drink afterward for every bubble you fill.

Every time you forget where exactly you left your drink, make another drink.

Every time you see someone wearing a T-shirt that says PENN, COLLEGE or SOBER, take a drink.

Every time you see someone wearing a Wharton T-shirt, frown.

For PUCK FRINCETON, down the glass.

Every time you see one of those "Four or fewer" posters, take a drink.

Every time you injure yourself on the Moonbounce, recover with a drink.

Whenever you visit your old room in the Quad (because it's inevitable), be polite and bring the new residents a drink.

Every time someone tries to break a Nalgene bottle, steal it from him, fill it up and take a drink.

Every time you see someone you Facebook-stalk, take a drink, you creep.

Every time you encounter an intoxicated professor, take a drink. Take two if he is from the Religious Studies Department.

Every time you hear someone actually call Spruce "Riepe College House," take a drink.

Every time a pre-frosh or other visitor asks if this is what Penn is like every weekend, lie and take a drink. Of course it is.

Every time you see a sleeping Spectaguard, take a drink. If it's a sleeping police officer, take two. If it's Maureen Rush, down the glass.

Every time you see a streaker showing it all off in the Quad, take a drink. If he or she happens to be the TA for your favorite class, take two.

Every time Amy Gutmann describes a Fling performer as "my favorite group," take a drink. If it happens to be Cat Power, down the glass.

Every time you see a DP columnist make an intoxicated fool of himself, take a drink.

If it's Kevin Collins, take two.

If you find Cezary talking about Poland rather loudly, take his drink away.

Every time you see someone in the library this weekend, take a drink. If he's studying, take two and offer him one.

If you see Team Sober, raise your glass and drink. If Team Sober is drunk, take two.

Every time someone says, "I'm sooo drunk," resist the urge to smack him and take a drink instead. Everyone is drunk, idiot. That's the point.

Every time you eat one of those fried Oreos, puke.

Finally, every time you take a drink, take another.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

* But Not Necessarily Alcoholic.

Amara Rockar is a sophomore political science major from St. Louis. Out of Range appears on Fridays.

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